Posts filed under ‘Worship’
Local “Celebrities”
So in the last couple of weeks I’ve had a few people ask me, “Who’s this Tenley from Newberg on the Bachelor? Does she work with Nate?” And I say, “No, she doesn’t work with Nate. Her mom does though. I know, it’s a little misleading…” Our local news media has had a little frenzy in highlighting the most popular Bachelorette from Oregon. Whether it’s on Facebook, talking about it with married friends (some who love the show, some who cringe/hate it), or following the “latest” Bachelor news online… It’s all strange. (And I’m not really going to weigh in with my opinion because that’s not the point.) But it’s entertainment, right? Right. But it is also someone’s life, and that is what makes it slightly interesting from my perspective.
Today at church I sat near Tenley’s parents during our worship time. (Personally enjoyable, as they tend to really engage in time of worship through song…but I could quickly digress…) Anyway, as part of the Worship Planning Team, I knew what songs were going to come later and I knew what other aspects of the “service order” were coming, too. I knew that we were going to spend some time in prayer for people in Haiti. I also knew that we were going to celebrate the story of another “celebrity” couple that is now making local, national and even international news.
The dear young couple, Joel and Rachel Hoffman, have been living in Port-au-Prince for 4 months prior to last week’s earthquake. Their story of survival is a miracle. Nothing less. A pure, give God all the glory, miracle. So we celebrated as we shared a bit of their story, but we also continued to mourn and anguish over the past week’s events.
So somehow today right before we sang, “You are God Alone (not a god)” and the lines, “And right now, in the good times and bad, You are on Your throne, You are God alone…” I felt this indescribable not-quite-tension-but not-quite-peace moment. A few feet away are some parents with a daughter experiencing some pretty life-changing, following your dreams-type of circumstances. I know they are proud of their daughter. And I also know that they have also walked through some dark valleys in the past year as parents, which makes right now where there is love and support and laughter over something like Monday night “Bachelor” episodes, even that much sweeter.
Then a few feet away from them are two very dear people who are like Joel and Rachel’s spiritual parents, who spent a long night wondering if Joel and Rachel were alive, and who rejoice in their survival but also hurt for the hurts that they are experiencing physically, emotionally and mentally after having witnessed such a nightmare of devastation.
And we all sang. And we all worshipped. And we all acknowledged that God is on His throne. And I (think) we all meant it.
Today I realized a fraction more of the Power of God. (A significant revelation for me, but a fraction compared to what is.) It’s like there are some songs we sing that are songs of desperation, or songs where we are intimately recognizing our need to surrender to God, and hymns with rich theology and prayer-like language, and there are other songs where we can celebrate and “Sing Sing Sing” and be full of joy and wonder. But somehow this song, in the midst of seeing these people whose children’s faces have been plastered online in so many different ways…this song gave me a glimpse into this dual nature of the loving, tender, merciful God who we can trust in, but also this Alpha and Omega, sovereign, Creator God whose power “none can contend.”
It’s been a weird week, 180 degrees difference in thoughts from Monday night Bachelor viewing to Tuesday night earthquake praying. But all I know is that for all the ways that media can take any kind of story and run with it — the good, the bad, the heartbreaking, the devastating, the nauseating, the miraculous — I am so, so small. I know it could seem so trivial and insignificant to somehow correlate how the Bachelor fits into a blog post where the disaster in Haiti is mentioned, but I think God is big enough to handle my processing of life and worship and worship in life.
The Little Things
Our prayer time with the ‘prayer team’ was awesome.
In my last post I said something about how God is always reaching for me, even if I am not reaching for Him. I didn’t mean to say it, I was just blog-babbling, with my thoughts going from head to keyboard, unedited. I didn’t realize how true it is, was, and will always be. The prayer time was a demonstration of His reach toward me (towards us, really) – it was amazing, humbling, beautiful, tender and powerful.
First, I want to say that it is such an incredible thing to be part of a church body where people are committed to seeking and listening for God, specifically for other people. Maybe I just haven’t paused to think about the power of intercessory prayer enough. But I usually associate intercessory prayer as something much more private, and therefore, powerful in that particular way. I was humbled that five people (some who are dear friends, some who are more acquaintances) would spend HOURS (which included preparation, not just the actual prayer time together) to come meet with us, listen, ask questions, listen some more and then purposefully seek revelation and truth from God for us. Nothing was for them. They were listening to God to receive something to give it away. There were moments that I truly felt like they were warriors fighting for us. They weren’t fighting for them, for us. It’s still indescribable, even though I have tried a few sentences. It was a gift of service and love that helped me to have a deeper understanding of what service and love is about in the powerful act of prayer.
So one of the things I know I needed, as I even blogged about hours before our prayer time together, was the desire and capacity to see God, have His vision or have a vision FOR Him, in the little things.
Can I just say that God’s faithfulness to respond so swiftly is …
… seen in the way that a smile creeps slowly across Calum’s face, where it starts with a little glimmer in his eyes. Daily I spend hours upon hours with this little thing smiling this sometimes devious, sometimes pure delight, smile up at me. It brings joy just to even envision it right now.
… experienced in the drive from Sherwood to Newberg yesterday morning after an “unsuccessful” yet unimportant outing to Target. The sun was already warm on our skin. I made a kickin’ new playlist that we turned on and r o c k e d out to…it included Eli’s special request of “That’s Not My Name” and some of my new-ish faves. One of those songs is “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It rocks. (Literally, I think it’s one of the tracks to play along to on Rock Band or Guitar Hero.) The cool chick singer Karen O belts out the chorus, “They don’t love you like I love you.” Eli and I sang this to each other, rocking out on 99W. The best part? Hours later … sitting at the dining room table, Eli points at me all intense and crafty and says, “They don’t love you like I love you!”
… inspiration that hit early today. After two weeks of NyQuil induced sleep at night, my body has slogged through the morning hours. 8am wake ups have felt like it may as well have been 4am, with a complete and utter sense of being out of it. This morning, the sun crept in through the french door that was open in our bedroom, and I woke up at 6:15am refreshed, despite six hours of sleep. My mind was clear and bottom line is this, I had a moment of creativity and inspiration for something that first of all, had room to come in, and second, to actually dwell and play in my mind. It was nice, the way an unexpected bouquet of flowers or flattering compliment is nice to receive.
I’m savoring and sharing these little big things in the hopes that there are more for all of us in the days ahead.
A Reflection on Humility
Today I heard a definition of humility that I had never heard before. Perhaps the context of the conversation, especially in light of where I am at spiritually, emotionally, etc., is for thinking about another time. (Naptime is about over anyway.) It’s worth pondering.
Humility is “hearing God’s voice and doing what He says.”
Part of the interesting context for me today is that tonight Nate and I are meeting with our church community’s “Spiritual Renewal Team” – a prayer team that takes very seriously the responsibility and gift to specifically seek insight and revelation from God for intercessory purposes. Last night I actually got nervous as I thought about meeting with the group. It’s because I know how dried up I feel. Sure, I’ve been sick with what has felt like the flu for the last week – but my spiritual well being has been off for much longer. It’s really an intimacy with God thing that has been lacking…as in, I haven’t made time with Him a priority. If we could apply the Five Love Languages model to our relationship, I would say that Quality Time has been completely off the radar. Just as in any healthy relationship, lack of something as significant as quality time means the relationship suffers. This is just the plain and simple nutshell version of something that obviously goes much deeper than a blog post in blogland. (And it’s really not to be Debbie Downer, either.)
So here’s the cool thing. Picture a sandwich. Doesn’t matter what kind, as long as there are two pieces of bread. My stuff is the filling of the sandwich, like my ‘empty tank’. And my nervousness to come before a group of people that could call out the reality of the rather dismal state of my internal well-being, my lack of discipline, my ‘lukewarm’ attitude on some things, my struggles with selfish desires…
God is sandwiching that stuff in two thoughts, truths even, to help me to see Him in this process and even in the preparation to hear Him tonight. He is always reaching for me, even when I am not reaching for Him.
This new definition of humility to consider is one part of it. Hearing and obeying…but it starts with hearing.
The second is this random reading from Oswald Chambers (My Utmost…) which I read about an hour after hearing the above mentioned nugget on humility.
“Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint. (Proverbs 29:18). … Once we lose sight of God, we begin to be reckless. We cast off certain restraints from activities we know are wrong. We set prayer aside as well and cease having God’s vision in the little things of life. We simply begin to act on our own initiative. If we are eating only out of our own hand, and doing things solely on our initiative without expecting God to come in, we are on a downward path. We have lost the vision. Is our attitude today an attitude that flows from our vision of God? Are we expecting God to do greater things than He has ever done before? Is there a freshness and vitality in our spiritual outlook?”
My attention is piqued. The nervousness is dissipating to anticipation. This is a good thing.
The “S” Words
Here it goes again, some sort of inter-connectedness in the blogosphere. I write in the middle of a day where I have errands to run, a meal to prepare for part of our small group gathering tonight and two small boys to care for. A busy day, but a good day. And what is the subject for tonight’s small group with three other couples? “Simplicity” – as we have been reading through Richard Foster’s “Celebration of Discipline” and studying each theme through the book and corresponding scripture. And what just popped up as the topic over at The Mommy Revolution? A conversation about a book that focuses on rest, the Sabbath and simplicity. Yes, interesting timing indeed.
So first, where does the idea of a Sabbath come from? Oh that’s right, the Ten Commandments. The commandments that happen to list both observing a Sabbath and not worshiping any other gods (as well as a few other oh-so-important things.) Interestingly, in Exodus 31, it is also where Moses received the instructions for building the Tabernacle. I am inspired by the connection between the theme of worship and this reinforcement of the idea of a necessary rest or Sabbath. Exodus 31: 12-13 says, “Then the LORD said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘You must observe my Sabbaths. This will be a sign between me and you for the generations to come, so you may know that I am the LORD, who makes you holy.”
I am created and called to worship, to the point that my acts of worship include creating and constructing and doing (just as the Israelites were put to work creating the Tabernacle). But I see two warnings given in the commands about worship, to not worship false gods and to observe a Sabbath. BOTH of those things will glorify God and both of those things will make it so that I know that the Lord is God.
Apparently, I am the one who first needs to rightly acknowledge, believe and act as if God is God and I am not. A day of rest, a day of not doing all the things that I ‘need’ to proudly cross off my to-do list is one of the most significant ways that I can teach myself about the proper ordering when it comes to me and the Creator God of the universe, the Keeper of all space and time. Okay, so I guess I can ease up a bit on my trusty little governing notebook filled with my lists, goals, projects and ideas.
So, observing a Sabbath has ultimately the same effect on my life as the choice and actions of worshiping false gods. For me, in this case, the false god that I am worshiping when I do not observe a day of rest (from the notebook) is ME. Whether it is a control issue, a self-sufficiency issue or an identity issue, all depends on the day and the circumstance, and sometimes it is an unholy mixture of all three. If I am too tightly bound to whatever it is that I need to accomplish and do with my time, I not only find myself exhausted, crabby, unfulfilled and discouraged, but I ultimately do a severe disservice to my children and my husband and any other person who I have a relational impact on. At that point, I am no longer modeling living a life set-apart for God, but I am actually refusing to ‘know’ the Lord the way that He wants me to know Him.
I already have enough control/self-sufficiency/identity issues to work through. This is one significant area where I can make a choice to simplify in action, which in turn helps break through some nasty, unhealthy thought habits. I had a friend tell me once (and that’s all I needed for it to stick in my brain): “We don’t even think of committing murder, so why would we disregard the commandment about resting and taking a Sabbath?” I have thought many times since about this and the power of what I pass on to my kids. I will tell them how bad it is to murder, lust, worship power-money-false gods, but I will live a life of no-rest-all-productivity before them? That’s just not going to work.
So my husband and I choose days to not clean up the toys scattered about the house, to not fret about dinner and eat pancakes, to stay in our pajamas until 3pm, and to step away from the Type A personality habits that otherwise drive our days. This has helped me enormously in the last year after the birth of my second son. These simple outward steps help me overcome the huge mental hurdles that resist such perceived “unproductiveness.”
In stealing from Jim Collins “Good to Great”, sometimes Nate and I will say to each other when frantic discouragement starts to set in, or on days where one of us starts looking about with a bewildered sense of “must do, must do, must do” (think Gollum and his precious):
“So you have a lot on your to-do list. What’s on your NOT to-do list?”
Often times, the first answer will be “I do not need or want to stress and freak out if one or two things that I want to do does not actually get done.” Of course, it is always easier said than done. But, truly it helps in hovering near sanity. (And then it frees me up to impromptu blog posts, too.)
I know that much of the discussion for moms can be about taking care of children and the demands of maintaining a sense of order and well-being for our homes. We all have different standards of what defines chaos, or even survival for that matter. But I think that ultimately, we can all find areas of our life where we can abide by the defined terms for rest. My version of rest is going to look much different than someone who doesn’t have small children in the house, or who is single, or who is living in retirement. But, I just have a hunch that since it is part of God’s original commandments (which were pre-technology, pre-industrial age, pre-television) that He can lead us to a place of rest that fits each of us just right whether it is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.
Rest:
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1. |
the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep: a good night’s rest. |
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2. |
refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor: to allow an hour for rest. |
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3. |
relief or freedom, esp. from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs. |
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4. |
a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquillity:to go away for a rest. |
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5. |
mental or spiritual calm; tranquillity. |
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6. |
cessation or absence of motion: to bring a machine to rest. |
During December’s Arctic Blast, I had the pleasure of absorbing myself in the book “Eat Pray Love”. I have already tried to convince you to read it, but in case you haven’t taken the hint, I will end by borrowing a page from that book, during a time when the writer, Elizabeth Gilbert is living in Italy.
“(My sister and I) were taught to be dependable, responsible, the top of our classes at school, the most organized, efficient babysitters in town, the very miniature models of our hardworking famer/nurse of a mother, a pair of junior Swiss Army knives, born to multitask. We had a lot of enjoyment in my family, a lot of laughter, but the walls were papered with to-do lists and I never experienced or witnessed idleness, not once in my whole entire life.
Generally speaking, though, Americans have an inability to relax into sheer pleasure. Ours is an entertainment-seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure-seeking one. Americans spend billions to keep themselves amused from porn to theme parks to wars, but that’s not exactly the same thing as quiet enjoyment. Americans work harder and longer and more stressful hours than anyone in the world today. But as Luca Spaghetti pointed out, we seem to like it. Alarming statistics back this observation up, showing that many Americans feel more happy and fulfilled in their offices than they do in their own homes. Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring at the TV in a mild coma (which is the opposite of working, yet, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure). Americans don’t really know how to do nothing. This is the cause of that great sad American stereotype – the overstressed executive who goes on vacation but who cannot relax.
I once asked Luca Spaghetti if Italians on vacation have that same problem. He laughed so hard he almost drove his motorbike into a fountain.”
From the Inside Out
“A thousand times I’ve failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I’m caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out…”
- Hillsong United, 2006
I was listening to this song early in the morning this week. On my iPod when you select the playlist of “25 Most Played” songs, this is the #1 song. So in other words, I’ve listened to it a few times. However, I haven’t listened to it much in recent days, so this week, it re-connected in my heart and mind. It’s all part of how the Holy Spirit has been generously at work breathing something fresh and transforming into my life lately. (*Amen*)
I’ve been thinking about Christmastime and Advent this week. I’ve been thinking about areas in my life where I can engage in some liturgical, traditional practices that are rich with meaning and physical acts of devotion to Christ. How can I do this is in my home with Nate and Eli; and in our church as we plan each Sunday service; and in my own busy-ness of everyday activities? I am burdened, gratefully, because I think as a culture this is a time of year of a lot of routine behavior that can suffocate the meaning and space that Christ wants to occupy as we remember Him. And I think that the Holy Spirit is in the business of encouraging me to live a bit more counter-cultural these days.
Part of the encouragement came for me as I reflected on the words (and powerful music) of this song, “From the Inside Out.” Words and concepts like “everlasting”, “when all else fades”, “the art of losing myself in bring You praise…”
It’s so cliche to talk about how much we are a “Consumer” society, and this year with tempting kicker-checks and a baby growing within, it becomes that much harder to not want to just consume…things, gifts, tasty food, and stuff that can bring a moment of joy or pleasure. But then I hear the passionate cry of the singer as he sings,
“In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out…”
And I am challenged, encouraged, and motivated to be and do something different with the days that I have to live out what I believe to be true. The Lord is everlasting, worthy, the light of our world, my Forgiveness for the times of failure, and the King that made Himself so low that He would walk this earth, be tempted, be human, be misunderstood, be mistreated, be killed and be resurrected because of His love for each of us.
Simple truths, at times. Doing, living, being “from the inside out…” though is the complicated part. I pray the Holy Spirit continues on in this season of redefining, refining and rejuvenating…
P.S. – The song is from the Hillsong United album, “United We Stand” and is definitely worth getting on iTunes or Amazon or somewhere. Oh, and you can see a YouTube video of the song to hear it – complete with people singing their hearts out off-key and everything 
… but it still stirs me.
Confessions
This fall I have been taking a wonderful class at the George Fox Seminary called, “Knowing Self, Knowing God.” (Nate took the class nearly two years ago, and he loved it, so I figured I’d add one more thing to my plate during my second/third trimester.) Anyway, the class….I’ve learned that even the class name itself is purposeful in ordering”knowing self” before “knowing God.”
So good, so problematic.
One of the first things the professor said is that the purpose of the class is about “formation” not “information.” Interesting. Okay, so some things that I know about me: I am a note-taker, an achiever, and I *love* taking in and processing information. (As in, I check CNN/OregonLive/ESPN.com each about 32 times a day; I love reading people’s blogs; I have about 12 unfinished books stacked next to my bed, etc.) So the idea of listening and learning and processing for the purpose of formation, especially within an academic environment at the Seminary, got to me.
More things I know about me: I love to read, I love to study, I love ‘input’ (both receiving and giving–haha). I love to plan, I love order, structure and organization. (I love organizing our junk drawer and closets, places people other than me and Nate will rarely see.) This order/structure/organization thing covers what I like in my home and also is part of what I like to contribute in my job at our church. Yet, lately, I have really struggled in all of the above because of any combination of a) forgetfulness b) lack of motivation c) procrastination. (Yes, I’ve blogged about this before. Redundant for you, therapeutic/motivating for me.)
I feel like I’m fumbling through the formation process. I really, really don’t like to go to bed at night wondering what I did that was meaningful or impactful (don’t mind my new word) in the areas of life where I have spent my time (or “should” have spent my time) such as being with my son, my husband, my responsibilities at the church, in my relationships with my family and friends.
So I have grand ideas and plans and vision, relating to living out my ministry in my personal life, my family, my home, our church and community. And I am at a frustrating loss in the “making-ambition-reality” department. Is this a lesson on the appropriate definition of productivity, where I need to learn what God’s definition is?
Okay, so here is the tip of the iceberg of where my mind is at…
Silly confessions: I think I actually take my prenatal vitamin every other day, at best. Eli spent Monday afternoon with Grandma Terry so that I could fold two-weeks worth of laundry and not feel guilty about not interacting with him, oh and to have clean clothes in drawers. I have about 6 items on my “to-do” list that have been there since the beginning of October. (I have probably spent as much time physically writing them on the list as it would have taken to accomplish them by now.)
Real Confessions: My last journal entry was probably in July on vacation and before that, I don’t know. I had some morning “quiet time” last week for probably the first time in 2007. (It’s November.) I am scattered when I read the Bible and I find myself reading selfishly, for my head, not my heart. I have struggled to communicate openly with Nate. I find myself quickly impatient with Eli, a lot.
Is this about lowering expectations?
Is this about the constant challenge of knowing and keeping priorities straight?
Is this about being filled up by the Spirit?
Is this about learning how to be in a “valley” season of life?
I almost feel like I know myself too well at times, and that keeps me from knowing God in the ways that long to know Him, daily, deeply, wholly and in a transforming kind of way.
This is good processing. Maybe I’m learning something after all.
Missing Women…a Soapbox Rant?
I was at a good old fashioned women’s tea this past spring, and the speaker (with a great Australian accent) kept saying, “Come on girls!” “Lets go girls!” when she would really get going with passion. (The best part was that it was all women over the age of 50 in the front half of the room where she was.) I can hear her voice in my head when I feel like shrinking back at times.
So here’s my rant…I don’t see a lot of people in the church being this kind of motivator, cheerleader, encourager to say, “Come on girls! Lets go!”
What if women were encouraged, empowered. engaged and embraced to lead and participate in ministry with the gifts God has given them, despite their age, education and personality-type?
I really have yet to see this as common reality. (I think it’s partially because I am involved at a church where it IS the norm, it IS the language and culture, especially from the men in leadership, and it feels uncommonly different.)
I am burdened by a particular group of women missing from church leadership. Where are the women, ages 25-35 years old, other than in children’s ministry, singing on the worship team or serving through hospitality ministries? And by no means, do I intend to discredit the women who do engage in these roles of serving the church body. But, I believe that there are women with gifts of leadership, teaching, exhortation, and evangelism (to name a few), who are alarmingly absent. Maybe I’m limited in what I am exposed to, but at conferences I attend and as I talk with peers, I feel like I’m not totally in the dark on this.
Where are you?
I will tell you where I am. As I turn 29 next month(!), I am the primary caregiver of my almost 3 year old and I am pregnant with our second child. I spend most of my days at home, as a mom, but I also work (from home) as an assistant to the pastor in our church plant. I facilitate a small group of 7 other women in a Bible study, and I am figuring out how to do much else in my time beyond the necessities.
So this question, of where are these particular women, seems like it can generally be answered with one brief overview of my own life. Many of us are focusing on motherhood and growing our families. But I still find myself unsatisfied if that is the final and complete answer. Perhaps it is a contentment issue, and I have received some feedback that would indicate that is so, and that I am a bit off in my thinking. But what if it’s not?
What if instead such “subtle” statements as “you should be satisfied with pouring all of your time, energy, strength and gifts into raising your family and being a great wife…” were changed to statements of understanding and exploring opportunities to serve in ways that we felt embraced and connected? (more…)
What does this mean?
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. … And the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:7-9, NIV)
So, what does this mean? I know it has to do with worship. I know it has to do with choices. I know it has to do with where I let my mind go. I am a person who likes to think, I like the mental hum of activity in my head. It has gotten me in trouble before, as I expect it will again. Sometimes I can get mentally blindsided by fear, anxiety, or the realization that I have some ‘false idols’ in my life. And then I get stuck or just find myself going nowhere good. So I have learned and applied the truth of this verse at those times. Like when I am trying to combat the bad-thinking or ill-founded anxieties. I guess I have used this verse like a mental weapon. But I think there is more to it, and I am trying to peel back the layers that I believe God is trying to reveal to me.
Right now, in the peeling back process of discovery, I am thinking about words like ‘edification.’ I don’t hear this word used in every day conversations. I don’t hear this word on TV. (Hmmm…) I don’t read this word when I am looking at CNN or ESPN online. I have come to think of ‘edifying’ to be something like ‘encouraging’ or ‘pointing me in the right direction.’ “Spiritually uplifting” or “instructional” are a few of the good ol’ dictionary.com definitions. So does Philippians 4:7-9 have to do with edification?
Two things especially brought this “mental conversation” up tonight for me. Instance #1 has to do with the ‘documentary’ (or was it a ‘mock-umentary’?) “Jesus Camp.” Nate rented it because he was curious. I came home from a very edifying women’s event at our church tonight and he was in the middle of watching it. I was not as curious. For some reason, I just had weird feelings in my head and stomach about it. But there it was. I watched. I cringed. I read the Bible online. I cringed some more. I thought, “now, I know that I agree with some of what they are saying, but why does it feel so…off…somehow?”
I thought again about this verse. Nate and I talked about why I haven’t been as curious to watch the movie. The best I could explain it was that I felt like 1) the editing was obviously done to create whatever point the producers wanted, which bugs me, and 2) I don’t know if I need to watch anything that is ultimately going to get me more fired up, irritated, judgmental, proud, sad, worried or nervous about the actions of other humans (aka ‘imperfect sinners like me’).
I think I am already pretty well predisposed to pride, judgmental-ism, and downright being bugged at people who are not like me. Then throw in that it’s all centered on people who are talking about Jesus, the Holy Spirit, His Church, our purposes, and there is a real recipe for divisiveness in my head. That’s Jesus, my Savior and Friend they are talking about. It’s not blasphemous, I would say pretty confidently. It’s not taking His name in vain. I just found myself feeling a little sick and sad inside. (I am feeling myself sounding judgmental. I really don’t want to be.)
That’s why I’m wondering about this verse. How do we live in a culture where there is really very little space to explore questions without feeding intellectual arrogance or pride or the spirit of judgment? It’s hard. That’s all I got. I just need to go and think about my lovely friend, Jesus for awhile. Apparently this is to be continued.
Unexpected Identity Crisis
A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my small group, which happens to be only women and all mommas, and I had a sense the Lord was asking me a tough but important series of questions. Since they were tough, I figured I would share, so that I am not alone in being challenged. But, I will get to those questions in a minute.
See, I recently stepped down from my job and the process of making that decision led to a major and unexpected identity crisis. I kept finding myself dwelling on the thoughts: “What if I can’t use these gifts, skills, strengths because what if I am not working at a place that utilizes them? I’m going to atrophy and lose touch with a part of myself and who God created me to be!”
I think what compounded the said crisis is that the mother’s guilt kicked in because as a mother I figured that a part of me could at least still find comfort in knowing that my whole identity wasn’t being turned inside out. (more…)
The Approval Issue
I think one of the greatest joys and most profound obstacles we encounter in life relates to approval and especially the need for approval from other people. The need for approval gets many people into unfortunate relationships and circumstances. We take up habits, ways of talking, acting, even thinking, just to show that we are worthy of the relationship, role or recognition.
As a follower of Christ, this innate need for approval can be an even bigger obstacle. When I decided to commit my whole life to Christ, to embrace His Word as truth, to follow His teaching and to live a life that is a testimony to His redemptive grace, power and love, I was basically saying to Him: “Your approval is the only approval that really matters.” I just didn’t know this at the time of making that decision. I didn’t know that this whole approval issue would be one of the greatest obstacles to whole-heartedly following and worshipping Him.
Following Him does not mean that I will deny any form of approval, recognition, praise or acceptance from other people. It just means that I have to constantly keep in perspective the question of “who’s voice am I seeking as truth in my life?” I struggle with this. (more…)
