Posts filed under ‘Life’
Dirty Dishes and Forever Friends
Corvallis. It seems to be the hot spot destination for people lately. Tonight we made the scenic trek to the Beasley’s new (and super fun!) house in Corvallis for an inaugural BBQ and hang out time.
Five families, accounted for by 10 adults and 14 kids, gathered and ate yummy food and played and caught up on the ins and outs of life these days. As the evening wore on and families started the hustle to pack up before the meltdowns began, a few of us did dishes and kitchen clean up together. It made doing dishes enjoyable for the one time out of 150 that it seems we do them during the week. Natasha and I laughed as Meredith suggested half-jokingly, half-seriously that this is why communal living is so intriguing. We laughed because we had just talked about that a couple of weeks ago, so yes, we agreed.
(There really is something to the strength in numbers, yet purposefully simple type of living situation that intrigues me. But that’s for another time and conversation.)
Now home tonight, my heart is refueled. I say “refueled” because I know that much like a gas tank, that it will soon be depleted again. No, this is not a negative statement; it’s just true. The journey of life, the grind of every day living, is predictable yet purposeful and it is what it is. There is wear and tear, yet there is always something redeeming about the season or the circumstances, so I embrace it much like my c-section scar. Well, I am learning to embrace it. Sometimes the embrace is a hug, sometimes it’s a little more like I am having some wrestling move performed on me and I am pinned to the mat.
My season lately has been more like being pinned to the mat instead of running with open arms toward everything in life. (The exception of course is my sweet baby Seth and my boys. There is much more literal and metaphorical hugging there.)
Overall, life has felt defined by more change than I am comfortable with, and more on the way. Change of community, relationships, teams, connections, purpose and place. Time with our familiar community not only filled me up, but also gave me reason to pause and think about the future.
As I poked around in Kareena’s new kitchen putting familiar serving dishes and spoons away in new drawers and cabinets, and the young kids were underfoot and squealing as they ran through the house, I saw a picture in my mind of her daughters in this kitchen, but older. I first thought, “Yes, this is their home now for the many decades to come.” And in my mind I saw almost 6-year-old Ava as a stunningly beautiful teenager. And then I thought, “I hope she knows me when she’s this beautiful teenager.” And then I declared to myself, “Yes, we’ll be here.”
Such an idea had come up at dinner as we all were simply together, just being, laughing, sharing – living. Eric said how soon enough the kids will be self-sufficient to just run and play and then we adults really can just lounge on the deck and do whatever it is that you do as an adult without the invisible umbilical cords that still connect you to your highly dependent small toddler children.
So evidently it’s more than just me that pictures us being friends for many years to come. I’m so thankful for that tonight. In the midst of all of this change for so many of us, I’m thankful to picture a future where we are all connected and present in each other’s lives.
I’m hopeful that one day we’ll look at the pictures from tonight and say, “Oh look at that! That’s from before you went to Africa! That’s from right before Tenley/Ava/Quinn/Allie started Kindergarten, can you believe it? That’s from before _____________ happened! Wow, that’s before ______________ happened, too! Look how big and beautiful the kids are!”
And instead of those fill-in-the-blanks being circumstances of pain or loss (or exorbitant weight gain ☺ ) those blanks will be filled in by some of the best memories we will recall. We have some amazing days, years, behind us – the days of getting to know each other, births and babies and becoming the adults we are now. But hopefully what is before us will enrich and fill us and affect us for the better just as I would say that the years behind us have.
Tonight my heart is refueled and my mind can see a future that I want to embrace, even knowing that there will be wear and tear in order to get there.
And waiting for me tomorrow is my sink filled with dirty dishes, but oh well. Such is life for now.
Reaching Rwanda…Together
I’m pretty excited to share about this next step in life for our dear friends Scott and Natasha Edinger (and their 3 awesome kids) and ignoring all the other feelings that are associated with them actually moving half a world away for a couple of years. Nonetheless, this is the beginning of a great new chapter in their life stories, and I am thankful and inspired by each of them! I hope you take a few minutes to read their newsletter as they prepare for what is next as they head to Rwanda.
Edinger Family Rwanda Letter - This links to a PDF you can easily download, print out, share, etc…
Necessary & Unnecessary: Lent Day #1
Today marks the beginning of Lent. I trust that if you are reading here, you have the ability to learn about the history, purpose and meaning behind the season since we all know how to Google something. 
I grew up Catholic, so Lent was marked by Fridays of those nasty breaded fish sticks and fries for dinner. When I really embraced following Christ on my own, I can’t say that I did much to embrace the discipline of the season. It really has been only the last couple years that the thought of intentionally engaging in the meaning and practice of the season has tugged at my heart and mind.
This year is the right year, this year is the right season of life to challenge myself to follow through on those thoughts and nudges. There have been many challenges personally in the past year and especially recent months (and great things to celebrate) but for some reason I am stirred to act and participate in this historically transformative season in a very personal way. I guess if I’m already in the throes of challenges, difficult processes and changes, then why not work on some more core issues?
I know many people look at Lent as a time of giving something(s) up, ultimately a practice of intentional sacrifice that hopefully clears some space for some more intentional prayer and thoughtfulness to Christ’s life and sacrifice. The choices these days seem to be giving up Facebook (a wonderful time-waster), sugar/desserts, lattes, TV, etc. I know I could have done any and all of those things and I would have felt the pain of sacrifice for 40 days. But yesterday I really wanted to take some time to pray about the heart of the issues in my life and hear if there was something more or different that God wanted to reveal to me.
Since I’m third trimester pregnant, the idea of giving up and cutting out any kind of food for good sounded like trouble because it sounded like a recipe for failure and emotional disasters. I laughed when over breakfast Nate said we could give up sugar, and I almost asked him if he wanted to see me without sugar these next 6 weeks. I know theoretically it would be an absolutely fantastic idea that my midwife would probably support, as would my growing belly and butt, but come on. A pregnant hormotional woman without the hope of a scoop of ice cream at the end of the day of growing a child, parenting two young boys, working and doing life? That’s not just sacrifice for me – ALL would have to agree to that kind of sacrifice.
So anyway, I resorted to making a list. On my list were things I could actually do more of – like daily affirmations of others for instance. The things I could do less of or cut out all had to do with ”unnecessary things.” As soon as I stumbled on the word “unnecessary” and saw the pattern in my list of “unnecessary” things, I knew that was what I needed to be thinking about and focusing on for this season.
I realized I have a lot of areas of life where if I put into practice the idea of evaluating first “Is this necessary?” than I might really be surprised and challenged. It also reminded me of the teaching of Paul from Ephesians 4:
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
This is my list of “The Unnecessary Stuff”:
- Unnecessary internet surfing
- Food choices – pop, candy, crappy food, those extra sweets that a pregnant woman can far too easily justify having in excess
- Shopping
- Grocery shopping – going with the “Pantry Principle” here. Use what I have, shop minimally (milk, fruits/veggies, bread) and only go buy food that I need when I need it. Even if I am really excited to try a new recipe or make an old favorite, is it necessary if I am fully capable of making meals with what we have on hand?
- Excessive TV time
- Worry
- Talking about people or situations in a way that doesn’t reveal truth. – I tend to think too highly of my opinion and want to share it. Basically I need to practice putting on a muzzle.
My initial thoughts are if I more intentionally focus or practice evaluating what is necessary – in simple choices and actions, in relational situations, in challenging situations – then it clears some space for the truth of Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 4 to take root and bear fruit in my life. I wonder what else I will recognize in my life as over-indulgences or areas that I can listen for the promptings of “do this – it’s necessary” or “don’t, it’s not necessary.”
And since my boys are starting to howl at each other and C is doing the potty dance, it is necessary to be done.
Typical Blog Post
This is one of those typical blog posts about blogging where people say, “I’ve been taking a break from blogging (for reasons ________) but I’m back…”
I don’t know what it means to be back, but I do know I took a break and I look forward to writing a bit more in this particular venue than I have in the last 14 months.
I’m also toying with pulling out another blog that has been sitting dusty on the shelf for years as a place to process the particulars of this past and present season of life at church and in the Church. If I do, I’ll be sure to link it up.
In the meantime, a couple of things on my mind that I anticipate sharing about here…
* Lent – it officially starts tomorrow and for the past year whenever I have thought on Lent/Easter, I have had a tug to be intentional about the 40 days of preparation, sacrifice and reflection.
* My kids - my belly is expanding just as our family of 4 will soon expand to a family of 5 in June. I have been surprised at how excited I am for this baby and for our family to take this leap. I would have thought I would be more stressed out, anxious or caught up in the particulars of adjusting as a family whether it is physically, emotionally, financially, mentally. I’ll celebrate the excitement instead.
* Books – I’ve actually been trying to read and finish some books more in the past several months. I get easily distracted with books – if the pacing is not right, if something else catches my attention, if I am feeling lazy – and so I rarely actually finish a book, even if it is a good one. I’ve been challenging myself to finish – the good and the bad and the mediocre – and it has been rewarding.
One of the ways I’m challenging myself back to blogging is thinking about expectations. One particular expectation I’m letting go of has to do with the time dedicated to writing and how that affects the content. If I have 15 minutes I can write in the morning while the boys eat breakfast, then use the 15 minutes and count it. If I have 45 minutes, then use the 45 minutes and count it (and celebrate). Both are worthwhile since the writing process is really more for me right now. It might even mean unfinished thoughts or quick exits… which is actually just fine.
Local “Celebrities”
So in the last couple of weeks I’ve had a few people ask me, “Who’s this Tenley from Newberg on the Bachelor? Does she work with Nate?” And I say, “No, she doesn’t work with Nate. Her mom does though. I know, it’s a little misleading…” Our local news media has had a little frenzy in highlighting the most popular Bachelorette from Oregon. Whether it’s on Facebook, talking about it with married friends (some who love the show, some who cringe/hate it), or following the “latest” Bachelor news online… It’s all strange. (And I’m not really going to weigh in with my opinion because that’s not the point.) But it’s entertainment, right? Right. But it is also someone’s life, and that is what makes it slightly interesting from my perspective.
Today at church I sat near Tenley’s parents during our worship time. (Personally enjoyable, as they tend to really engage in time of worship through song…but I could quickly digress…) Anyway, as part of the Worship Planning Team, I knew what songs were going to come later and I knew what other aspects of the “service order” were coming, too. I knew that we were going to spend some time in prayer for people in Haiti. I also knew that we were going to celebrate the story of another “celebrity” couple that is now making local, national and even international news.
The dear young couple, Joel and Rachel Hoffman, have been living in Port-au-Prince for 4 months prior to last week’s earthquake. Their story of survival is a miracle. Nothing less. A pure, give God all the glory, miracle. So we celebrated as we shared a bit of their story, but we also continued to mourn and anguish over the past week’s events.
So somehow today right before we sang, “You are God Alone (not a god)” and the lines, “And right now, in the good times and bad, You are on Your throne, You are God alone…” I felt this indescribable not-quite-tension-but not-quite-peace moment. A few feet away are some parents with a daughter experiencing some pretty life-changing, following your dreams-type of circumstances. I know they are proud of their daughter. And I also know that they have also walked through some dark valleys in the past year as parents, which makes right now where there is love and support and laughter over something like Monday night “Bachelor” episodes, even that much sweeter.
Then a few feet away from them are two very dear people who are like Joel and Rachel’s spiritual parents, who spent a long night wondering if Joel and Rachel were alive, and who rejoice in their survival but also hurt for the hurts that they are experiencing physically, emotionally and mentally after having witnessed such a nightmare of devastation.
And we all sang. And we all worshipped. And we all acknowledged that God is on His throne. And I (think) we all meant it.
Today I realized a fraction more of the Power of God. (A significant revelation for me, but a fraction compared to what is.) It’s like there are some songs we sing that are songs of desperation, or songs where we are intimately recognizing our need to surrender to God, and hymns with rich theology and prayer-like language, and there are other songs where we can celebrate and “Sing Sing Sing” and be full of joy and wonder. But somehow this song, in the midst of seeing these people whose children’s faces have been plastered online in so many different ways…this song gave me a glimpse into this dual nature of the loving, tender, merciful God who we can trust in, but also this Alpha and Omega, sovereign, Creator God whose power “none can contend.”
It’s been a weird week, 180 degrees difference in thoughts from Monday night Bachelor viewing to Tuesday night earthquake praying. But all I know is that for all the ways that media can take any kind of story and run with it — the good, the bad, the heartbreaking, the devastating, the nauseating, the miraculous — I am so, so small. I know it could seem so trivial and insignificant to somehow correlate how the Bachelor fits into a blog post where the disaster in Haiti is mentioned, but I think God is big enough to handle my processing of life and worship and worship in life.
Pows & Wows of 2009
In the unexpectedly, delightfully simple Christmas celebrations we had, I actually had time to write a little ‘year end’ note to put in most of our holiday cards. (I don’t do “Christmas” cards, they need a more generic term in order to make it work for me since I usually end up still delivering them well into January.) As I shared in that note, part of my brain is apparently much too tired to remember a good portion of the year. But now that I started digging into those cavernous spaces, I find myself remembering some good things. It’s not that I only wanted to share good things in that note (as Nate and I both tend towards wanting to share the real rather than the sugar coated version of life) but the act of remembering the good things was one of the things I would have shared, if I had remembered. Ha.
Pows & Wows
During our summer vacation at Cannon Beach, Nate instigated a new family tradition that has actually stuck: Pows & Wows. He got the idea from some retreat he went to, and we adapted it for family dinner time conversation. Call it a game, call it an exercise, call it a kid-friendly version of some sort of spiritual discipline. Whatever it is, it’s been a good thing this year. Each person has the chance to share a “pow” and a “wow” from their day. A pow is something that was not fun, not good, a bummer, a negative part of the day. A wow is the positive, the good thing, a good experience. There has been something really meaningful in bringing this to our family dinner time. Especially because family dinner time is usually one of the biggest “pow” parts of my/our day. Whether it is the battle over the food, the manners and lack-thereof, the whining and arguing and having to sometimes shout our wows as we attempt to ignore it all…ugh. It can be un-enjoyable.
But one of the ways we try to make it enjoyable is this act of reflecting. We try to say our Pows first because usually those are what are so fresh on the mind and heart. And it makes way for celebrating the wows.
With that, the 2009 Pows (the short list):
1. I did not see my soul-sister friend Freya in person one time. Absolutely unacceptable. Explainable, yeah. Sickness during the planned visit. Hundreds of miles between us; young, dependent children; responsibilities and various roles that don’t necessarily leave a lot of time (or money) for traveling and leisure time with dear friends…but all the same, this is one serious POW that has to motivate change in 2010.
2. Which leads in to the time with community thing. This past week afforded the opportunity for us to have a few hours with some of our dearest friends in a couple of settings. These are Wows. But overall, I would say that I (we, actually) often find ourselves longing for more quality time with people that we are honored to call friends. In all honesty, Nate and I sometimes get caught thinking that people don’t like hanging out with us. I can try to wrap it up in a joke, but I think this is one of the hardest things that we go through individually and sometimes as a couple. This is a recurring Pow, because I sometimes lay in bed at night wondering if people actually like me or if they have to put up with me. Sometimes I don’t think that but still just long for time sharing both the meaningful and trivial parts of life together. Then I get caught into thinking that I should be grateful for what I have and then I start to spiral into feeling bad for feeling bad and it just gets messy. But I think that we (at least me and the husband) are wired for connection with people and are ultimately trying to figure out how 24 hours in a day are optimally used given this desire.
3. Which leads to accounting for the unexpected. Definite Pow for the year is having a loved one dealing with the darkness of depression and addiction, which is much like a Category 5 hurricane with its ability to completely level “normal” life. Without going total Debbie Downer, this actually brings me back to the point of Pows and Wows. As I’ve recently been reading on the disease of addiction, one of the aspects of healing and recovery has to do with “accepting life on life’s terms.” I had to stop and re-read the statements as this ties into control and self-will issues versus acceptance. By no means are people with addiction issues the only ones who face this battle. Accepting life on life’s terms resonates because there are some parts of life that are just plain awful, major Pows…there are tragedies, self-inflicted wounds, thoughtless mistakes and plenty of longed for do-overs. I’m not trying to trivialize pain, but recognize that the whole point of our almost daily Pow & Wow sessions have been to find the reasons for thankfulness, for hope, for laughter and lightness of spirit. I hope that if we can teach our boys to recognize that Pows & Wows can co-exist, than perhaps that battle for the necessary acceptance of life sometimes will be easier for them.
So yes, some days there are countless wows and some days it takes some serious effort to think of just one. But that’s especially part of why I like it so much. Because truly, at the end of the day, we all have a wow to share. Don’t you think?
E: "Calum, do this!"
Instead, he shrieks.
WOW = Cannon Beach
Speaking of Cannon Beach in July…which I was, about 5 paragraphs ago…. I love Cannon Beach and this year when I think of CB, I also think of my sister. She was able to join us for most of our two weeks there in July as well as for a few days in March. I’m so thankful to have an almost 20-year old sister who wants to hang out with me and my family. Sure, the house is a sweet hook-up for her 
but I’m so grateful that I have had such quality time with her in 2009. Definite Wow.
Being silly...on the roof.
And also about CB in July… it is a place of beauty. It can be breathtaking at times. I hope I never lose my awe for God’s creation and creativity. Who thinks up things like starfish, let alone two-toned starfish?
Starfish
One of my favorite (repeated) times of life: Sunset at Cannon Beach
WOW = Coldplay concert
I love Coldplay and I love an artistic concert experience. I love that I got to see Coldplay and their return on the $100+ investment was such an incredible experience. And I especially love sharing that experience with good friends, sister and parents who also went. Oh, the bonus? The mini-stage about 20 rows ahead of us that I BOLTED to the moment they came towards it. (Yes, I used the stiff-arm a few times to get there. But who wouldn’t???)
Hello boys. So.Good.To.See.You.
Fantastical.
WOW = Trying out for Wheel of Fortune
Does it count as a try out if you don’t even get called up on the stage? Sure, why not!?! This isn’t a huge, momentous “wow” like vacations and concerts, but it represents a part of life that I want to celebrate: being spontaneous, courageous, silly and willing to follow a dream no matter how absurd that dream might sound to some. I have always loved Wheel of Fortune. So has my sister. We trekked to Chinook Winds, along with a couple other thousand people and gave it a shot. Did we make it? No. (Sister got a call back though! I think it had to do with the form I filled out for her, I said some of her hobbies were sketchbooking and daydreaming. They were well stocked with thirtysomething moms of young children I found out quite quickly during the audition games.) Anyway, I am sure some people thought it was borderline ridiculous that I packed up little C after church and drove an hour and a half for a very long shot at something so random, but I did. And it was worth it. It serves as a fun memory and little spark of motivation as I hope to follow more dreams and not just rationalize life away to the confines of only practical and logical living.
I guess the reflection on Vanna is the giveaway that she's made of cardboard.
WOW = Civil War with my Dad
I Love My Ducks. (Love them, love them, love them.) Prior to the 12/3/09 Civil War, I had been to two Duck games. One was with a friend during her freshmen year at UofO, and I wasn’t as avid a football fan as I have become in the last 10 years. The other one was the stinkbomb the 2002 team laid against WSU (the week after they beat Michigan.) The score was 35-2 at the half. Yes, that’s “2″ as in they only scored a safety. Anyway, back to this year. There was no stinkbomb at Autzen this time around from my Duckies. What a great game. (Seriously, the Rose Bowl loss is barely 24 hours old, and I can still get a warm fuzzy feeling from remembering the Civil War!) This was a “wow” for so many reasons. Yes, they won, it was dramatic (hello two fourth-quarter, fourth down conversions?), it was historic, hard fought and inspiring (hello Autzen crowd while the team is on D). It was an amazing finish to the regular season. And I got to go with my Dad because my Mom is so great and shared her ticket with me! I can’t remember the last time my Dad and I had time together doing something special. I know when I was in high-school he had to help me at the emergency room when I was quite sick…but that doesn’t count. When it comes to some of my passion for sports and especially those Oregon Ducks it’s easy to figure out where I get it from, so I am so glad that we have this memory to share.
Ducks 37 - Beavers 33. A bit excited.
And to close, a few more random WOWs, in picture form…
The boys like their books.
"Santa's Superhero" - with the power to spread Christmas spirit
Day trip hike at Silver Falls
Celebrating the New Year, "Brazilian"-ish style.
“C” is for Cookie, and…
The letter of the week in E’s 4 year old preschool class this week was C. And to make things even cooler, E’s sharing day was Tuesday. He had been looking forward to his sharing day since the first day of school, and he flexed extremely well when the sharing bag came home with the note that he was to bring things that start with the letter C. That ruled out his most treasured motorcycle, which was atop his very long list of ‘things to bring for sharing.’ Immediately he went for some of his treasured cars. I asked if his teachers would mind if little Calum went to school with him for the day. E responded, “He moves too much.” Ah, yes, so true.
As he started rummaging for his Corvettes and Convertibles, I (unfortunately for him) started my best impersonation of the egyptian opera singer from old school Sesame Street song “C is for Cookie.” Then I had this freaking stuck in my head for about 2 days. (You know you want to watch it!!)
So continuing on my momma nuttiness for the day, anytime I would say something that started with C, I would tell E that he should take that for sharing. (If I was him, I would totally take a bag of Starbucks Verona and say, “This is one of my mom’s most treasured C things.”) He really wasn’t amused at any point in the day with my suggestions. Apparently I’m not cool already.
The big sharing day came and the cars were a hit with the boys, and the girls who shared brought things like cats and a comb and a Curious George doll. So many options for the letter C.
A couple of hours later when school was over, I picked up my special copy of the new Chip Heath & Dan Heath book, “Switch” (not officially released yet.) I can’t quote it as the cover says in all caps bold, “Not for sale. Please do not quote, blog or review until January 1, 2010.” Is this breaking the rules, mentioning that I am reading it and saying what it says on the cover? Hmmm. We’ll see.
Well I’m not going to break the rules any further, just in case. But I will say, that the reason I got the book was because I was enticed when hearing them speak at the Leadership Summit back in August, while I was experiencing the change of losing-turned-transitioning my job. They were talking about one of the most feared words for many: CHANGE. The book itself has a subtitle that goes something like this, “How to change things when change is hard.” So far, it’s quite good but I guess I’ll have to talk about it in a few months.
Last week, I was talking with a friend and I said, “I’d love if 2010 wasn’t a year of hard change.” There’s something in me that feels like we are just getting settled into something here in life, so I’m subconsciously bracing myself for some rock-my-little-world, earth shaking change with a high magnitude. It seems like we can look back over the last few+ years and identify some major changes that we have faced, adapted to, battled and/or conquered. I’m talking 6.2-9.0 on the emotional/mental/spiritual richter scale. Of course, change doesn’t always equal bad. As in one of our 2008 changes was the birth of little C. That’s a good change, but hey, it’s change in a pretty significant way.
I remember that 2004 was the year we bought our house, had our first child, my Grandma died (first grandparent in a season where three of them passed away within 13 months), Nate changed jobs and our basement started flooding on a regular basis. Sparing the details of what kind of significant changes and circumstances have happened in the last 5 years leads me to this whopping cliche, “Change is the only constant.”
Yep, one thing I feel pretty secure in is knowing that change is inevitable. Change can be enormously wonderful. Change can be disturbing and disruptive. Change can rock the boat so hard that I live just clinging to the life preserver sometimes. Change can add up and get heavy. (Yes, I’m being a doofus and smiling at the thought of the four jars of coins we keep around the house for all our extra coins.)
So what will this next year bring? Change, I’m sure. But like I told my friend, I’m just hoping, longing for the good kind. Whatever that may be. I’ll take a cookie at the very least.
An Issue with Extravagance
I got a little mad at God yesterday. I don’t totally feel guilty saying that just yet. I think God can handle it. I feel guilty for what I’m going to say about why I was a bit irked at God.
It’s all about provision, faithfulness and needs being met. These things have all happened recently, so the guilt I feel is the fact that I really have nothing to complain about. Truly, I could and probably should just shut up because in light of everything that happens to people, on a global scale and on a very minute, look around the neighborhood scale, I know that I am a blessed woman.
I just have my moments. My moment yesterday was the fact that in the last week we have spent just enough on our cars to basically wipe out our meager savings account, minus what we set aside monthly to pay for insurance. Here’s the deal. For the last few years (at least), every time there seems to be a little bit of build-up, a little bit of extra cash (remember those stimulus checks or tax refunds?) headed our way, something happens. That something is usually mechanical, with our cars winning out in this competition among inanimate but oh-so-useful objects. Tires, brakes, alternator, exhaust system/mufflers, etc. One time earlier this year, it was our washer. It wouldn’t spin out all the water. It cost $300 for the computer chip to be replaced. Frigginpieceofcrapcomputerchip.
When I am having a good moment, my perspective sounds like this: “Hmmm. So in other words, every time we have an ‘extra’ need, ‘extra’ pressure financially…it is taken care of.” Yes, that is true. Truetruetruetruetrue. So true. In my good moments, I’m deeply grateful for the moment of swiping the card or writing the check and knowing we will still eat well for the next month, and then I move on.
So, in a time where my paycheck has been cut once again recently, we could have actually found ourselves needing to put all our recent car expenditures on the credit card. (Which to my husband, this is basically like surrendering to the plague or some wretched disease. It is not an option as it only brings stress and excruciating consequences of mental anguish at the very least.) But we basically have the exact amount we need to cover everything in savings. Good, right?
Yes, good. But I had a little temper tantrum about it yesterday morning. Something about “just getting by” even if it is by supernatural provision and blessing somehow irritated me. Ugh. This is me in all my honestuglyself-ness.
I sat on my bed and thought, “I’m having a hard time with this because at some point I want to feel like there is an abundance of something. And right now, I want an abundance in our savings account.”
I’m tired of financial stuff like this defining my understanding of abundant life and God’s extravagant love and blessings. I think it has been hanging around in me, coming out in all sorts of mishmashed behaviors and thoughts that aren’t healthy. Yet I have moments where I can list pages and pages in my journal of the miraculous provisions of the last year, and years before that even. Lets talk about humbling, here… it’s truly amazing. I have an a m a z i n g husband, family and community. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with Stage IV non-Hodgkins lymphoma a year ago, and her health and healing is miraculous. There are significant people in my life experiencing remarkable life transformation that are evidence of God’s faithfulness and extravagant love and care for His children. I have found myself professionally and personally in a place of experiencing redemption and restoration in some working relationships, because that is the way God works: with love at His ultimate core.
So why is there something that disconnects when financial issues enter the picture?
It’s almost funny how my last post was about anger. Am I angry with God about the car crap? Am I angry that cars cost money? I’m probably a bit miffed that the money that goes to the old car keeps money from going to a newer car, one from this decade perhaps.
I don’t know if it’s really being angry at God or being angry at myself in a way. I don’t want to notice how cute fall clothes are. I don’t want to inadvertently cyberstalk people I barely (okay don’t at all) know who write about shopping extravaganzas at Anthropologie and Nordstrom and 11 other stores after they had spent the previous weekend picking out interior decor pieces for their newly built home. I don’t want to notice how many great everythings there are at Etsy. I don’t want to fantasize about camera lenses or housecleaning services. I don’t want to feel societal pressure to have a thoroughly coordinated (complete with handmade gift bags to send home with all the kids) birthday party for E next month.
I think my issue with extravagance comes down to what I want my definition of extravagance to be and what I experience with God. Can I live from a place of peace (in my mind and heart) when the stuff of life feels more like we are just getting by? Can I be thankful and content in the blessing of constant provision? Can “constant provision” equate to knowing I am abundantly cared for? (Always. No matter what my mechanic tries to tell me.) And then, can my attitude toward God be one of extravagant love, adoration and thanks returned to Him?
…
Anger
I am sure that if I put a little effort into it, I could have come up with some quip or witty title for this blog post. Instead, I’m opting for a brain-dump-ish type post, a “write this down before I forget” and revisit it later thing.
I’m once again amazed and humbled by my nearly 5 year old son figuring life out. He’s a smart one that little E. Smart and sassy. Smart and defiant. Smart and more smart. Here’s today’s story. This morning I had to run by my office to drop off some receipts. I needed to go to the main office to fill out the paper work, so I decided to pretty much lock the boys in my office while I hustled down the hall to get it done since they were having some ‘listening & obeying’ issues in staying with me. I said, “I need 5 minutes. Play with the trucks, read books, color, sit in the chairs…whatever, just take care of each other and STAY IN HERE.” I just needed 5 minutes, right? While I’m standing at the copier I hear the shrieking and screaming of little C. Shrieking and screaming from the small one means the big one did something. It’s a given. And he did. So, 30 seconds into my 5 minutes I went back down to the office and sure enough, big one is aggravating small one. So, I remind him of his responsibilities and leave again. One minute later, I hear screams again. Oh come on. I walk the 50 feet back to my office and say, “Really?” (Yes, I’m awful and sarcastic to my children sometimes.) Yes, really. So I say, “Okay, I’m taking C with me and you are going to stay here by yourself. I want to leave soon, too, but we can’t if I can’t get this done. You stay here and I’ll be back in 2 minutes.” There were tears and anguish at the unfairness of it all, that brother got to go with me and “WHY CAN’T I COME TOO???” “Well honey, I need to see that you can be a good listener when we come here and so far today you’ve run away from me two times. So, you have to stay here so I know you are safe and not getting into things.” Sure enough, I was back in 2 minutes and we started to gather ourselves to leave.
As toys were being put away I noticed on the floor the little plastic end piece that goes on the cord for my window blinds. Hmmm. “How did this happen?”
“I pulled it off.”
Hmmm. “Why did you pull it off?”
“I was angry.”
“What were you angry about?”
“I was angry because I had to stay in here.”
(I love the honesty in this moment.)
“I understand that, but it still doesn’t mean you can break things, especially things that aren’t yours.”
And here’s the stop-me-in-my-tracks question:
“So what should I do when I’m angry?”
Um, are there any super-parents out there who would like to take over this conversation now? Anyone? Bueller?
I told him that is a really, really great question and that I would think about it because I am so proud of him for asking it, and I think it’s an important question. I told him I know that there are times we have to do things we don’t want to do and it’s not fun, but we are going to keep talking about this anger thing. Oh my gosh, I’m raising boys. Smart boys. Boys that are going to kick my butt, because I suppose I get to think about this as more than an answer or conversation where we talk about it, but I’m going to have to live out my reply. Yowza.
A Very Good Day
It’s a little silly that I haven’t been here for awhile. This morning I noticed a similar trend in my journal, my last three journal entries were March 2nd, April 2nd, and now, today, May 2nd. Hmmm. Just a coincidence. (For all my friends who love LOST as much as I do, if that is even possible, then maybe we could come up with a theory about why those numbers…)
