Posts filed under ‘Kids’
Dirty Dishes and Forever Friends
Corvallis. It seems to be the hot spot destination for people lately. Tonight we made the scenic trek to the Beasley’s new (and super fun!) house in Corvallis for an inaugural BBQ and hang out time.
Five families, accounted for by 10 adults and 14 kids, gathered and ate yummy food and played and caught up on the ins and outs of life these days. As the evening wore on and families started the hustle to pack up before the meltdowns began, a few of us did dishes and kitchen clean up together. It made doing dishes enjoyable for the one time out of 150 that it seems we do them during the week. Natasha and I laughed as Meredith suggested half-jokingly, half-seriously that this is why communal living is so intriguing. We laughed because we had just talked about that a couple of weeks ago, so yes, we agreed.
(There really is something to the strength in numbers, yet purposefully simple type of living situation that intrigues me. But that’s for another time and conversation.)
Now home tonight, my heart is refueled. I say “refueled” because I know that much like a gas tank, that it will soon be depleted again. No, this is not a negative statement; it’s just true. The journey of life, the grind of every day living, is predictable yet purposeful and it is what it is. There is wear and tear, yet there is always something redeeming about the season or the circumstances, so I embrace it much like my c-section scar. Well, I am learning to embrace it. Sometimes the embrace is a hug, sometimes it’s a little more like I am having some wrestling move performed on me and I am pinned to the mat.
My season lately has been more like being pinned to the mat instead of running with open arms toward everything in life. (The exception of course is my sweet baby Seth and my boys. There is much more literal and metaphorical hugging there.)
Overall, life has felt defined by more change than I am comfortable with, and more on the way. Change of community, relationships, teams, connections, purpose and place. Time with our familiar community not only filled me up, but also gave me reason to pause and think about the future.
As I poked around in Kareena’s new kitchen putting familiar serving dishes and spoons away in new drawers and cabinets, and the young kids were underfoot and squealing as they ran through the house, I saw a picture in my mind of her daughters in this kitchen, but older. I first thought, “Yes, this is their home now for the many decades to come.” And in my mind I saw almost 6-year-old Ava as a stunningly beautiful teenager. And then I thought, “I hope she knows me when she’s this beautiful teenager.” And then I declared to myself, “Yes, we’ll be here.”
Such an idea had come up at dinner as we all were simply together, just being, laughing, sharing – living. Eric said how soon enough the kids will be self-sufficient to just run and play and then we adults really can just lounge on the deck and do whatever it is that you do as an adult without the invisible umbilical cords that still connect you to your highly dependent small toddler children.
So evidently it’s more than just me that pictures us being friends for many years to come. I’m so thankful for that tonight. In the midst of all of this change for so many of us, I’m thankful to picture a future where we are all connected and present in each other’s lives.
I’m hopeful that one day we’ll look at the pictures from tonight and say, “Oh look at that! That’s from before you went to Africa! That’s from right before Tenley/Ava/Quinn/Allie started Kindergarten, can you believe it? That’s from before _____________ happened! Wow, that’s before ______________ happened, too! Look how big and beautiful the kids are!”
And instead of those fill-in-the-blanks being circumstances of pain or loss (or exorbitant weight gain ☺ ) those blanks will be filled in by some of the best memories we will recall. We have some amazing days, years, behind us – the days of getting to know each other, births and babies and becoming the adults we are now. But hopefully what is before us will enrich and fill us and affect us for the better just as I would say that the years behind us have.
Tonight my heart is refueled and my mind can see a future that I want to embrace, even knowing that there will be wear and tear in order to get there.
And waiting for me tomorrow is my sink filled with dirty dishes, but oh well. Such is life for now.
Anger
I am sure that if I put a little effort into it, I could have come up with some quip or witty title for this blog post. Instead, I’m opting for a brain-dump-ish type post, a “write this down before I forget” and revisit it later thing.
I’m once again amazed and humbled by my nearly 5 year old son figuring life out. He’s a smart one that little E. Smart and sassy. Smart and defiant. Smart and more smart. Here’s today’s story. This morning I had to run by my office to drop off some receipts. I needed to go to the main office to fill out the paper work, so I decided to pretty much lock the boys in my office while I hustled down the hall to get it done since they were having some ‘listening & obeying’ issues in staying with me. I said, “I need 5 minutes. Play with the trucks, read books, color, sit in the chairs…whatever, just take care of each other and STAY IN HERE.” I just needed 5 minutes, right? While I’m standing at the copier I hear the shrieking and screaming of little C. Shrieking and screaming from the small one means the big one did something. It’s a given. And he did. So, 30 seconds into my 5 minutes I went back down to the office and sure enough, big one is aggravating small one. So, I remind him of his responsibilities and leave again. One minute later, I hear screams again. Oh come on. I walk the 50 feet back to my office and say, “Really?” (Yes, I’m awful and sarcastic to my children sometimes.) Yes, really. So I say, “Okay, I’m taking C with me and you are going to stay here by yourself. I want to leave soon, too, but we can’t if I can’t get this done. You stay here and I’ll be back in 2 minutes.” There were tears and anguish at the unfairness of it all, that brother got to go with me and “WHY CAN’T I COME TOO???” “Well honey, I need to see that you can be a good listener when we come here and so far today you’ve run away from me two times. So, you have to stay here so I know you are safe and not getting into things.” Sure enough, I was back in 2 minutes and we started to gather ourselves to leave.
As toys were being put away I noticed on the floor the little plastic end piece that goes on the cord for my window blinds. Hmmm. “How did this happen?”
“I pulled it off.”
Hmmm. “Why did you pull it off?”
“I was angry.”
“What were you angry about?”
“I was angry because I had to stay in here.”
(I love the honesty in this moment.)
“I understand that, but it still doesn’t mean you can break things, especially things that aren’t yours.”
And here’s the stop-me-in-my-tracks question:
“So what should I do when I’m angry?”
Um, are there any super-parents out there who would like to take over this conversation now? Anyone? Bueller?
I told him that is a really, really great question and that I would think about it because I am so proud of him for asking it, and I think it’s an important question. I told him I know that there are times we have to do things we don’t want to do and it’s not fun, but we are going to keep talking about this anger thing. Oh my gosh, I’m raising boys. Smart boys. Boys that are going to kick my butt, because I suppose I get to think about this as more than an answer or conversation where we talk about it, but I’m going to have to live out my reply. Yowza.
A Very Good Day
It’s a little silly that I haven’t been here for awhile. This morning I noticed a similar trend in my journal, my last three journal entries were March 2nd, April 2nd, and now, today, May 2nd. Hmmm. Just a coincidence. (For all my friends who love LOST as much as I do, if that is even possible, then maybe we could come up with a theory about why those numbers…)
Who, What, Where, When & Why
I haven’t blogged in about forever. I have come, I have written, but I just haven’t hit “publish.” There have been far too many incomplete sentences…
So, in my determination to reemerge in blogland, I figured I would just start with the basics of what life has been about lately…
Back in February, Calum turned 1. The kid is a firecracker and a cuddlebug wrapped wonderfully into one long, lean little body. (93rd percentile, for height. Yeah…wait, what?) Oh, but we had to celebrate belatedly and multiple times, because he had a 102 fever on his birthday, along with an ear infection. Plus Eli had spent the week battling croup, a fever of 104 that lasted 3 days and ear infections in both ears. Ugh. Our first celebration included eating ice cream after watching the GFU girls complete their undefeated regular season with my family. Then we celebrated ‘for real’ with friends, cupcakes, and a treasured Thomas balloon the following weekend…
Calum turns 1! He's happy! He's not! (He's sick.)
Lets see…did I mention that there was sickness? That feels like it has been the “what” of the last couple of months. I have been to the doctor’s office three times and once to urgent care. Fun times! It seems as if every mom I have talked to has been dealing with some sort of persistent, frustrating, isolating sickness with their kids AND themselves. I truly think that there is nothing worse than feeling like staying in bed all day long with drugs, tissues, warm drinks and warm blankets and knowing that your kids actually need all that and then some more comfort and care so it’s just NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.
This is just sad.
So yes, I have been sick. And the boys were sick. They got prescription medication. I bought more NyQuil, DayQuil, Peppermint Tea and Ibuprofen. Then we started to get better. Then Calum’s cough got worse. Then after the medication was dispensed, Eli complained of another earache and randomly slept one Sunday from 1pm until 8pm, then back to bed at 9pm. (And I missed a concert date with Nate.) Then Eli was fine. Then I got a sinus infection. Then Calum got another 104 fever and another ear infection, in each ear this time. Now more medication. (That comes complete with ‘explosive diaper’ side effects.)
Okay, okay. Done whining.
Lets focus on the positive.
I have been having some wonderful date nights with my husband. He has been lovingly persistent through the course of the last four years of having children about us making date nights a priority. I think the importance of time together, away from the house, away from dishes or diapers or distractions has been something that I haven’t always grasped. Plus, I admit to being the kind of person who longs for ‘just me’ time, so when given the opportunity to get out, sometimes I just want it to be me. Not only does he give me this time, but he also makes a big deal about wanting to hang out with me! It’s amazing. (He still likes me!) I do just want to say to any moms who might be dragging your feet, making excuses, battling with insecurities, or just plain forgetting about spending quality time with your husband: make the time. Even if it is a trip to DQ for the Blizzard of the Month and sitting in a parking lot of the nearest park, just go. And then do it again, soon.
Speaking of dates. It has been a basketball week for us. Nate’s dad bought us NCAA tickets to the first and second round games that have been here in Portland. And to top it off, those incredible George Fox girls are the national champions with an undefeated season. We’ve been to a lot of the home games this year, and spent the last week watching them online in the tournament. It has been fun for our family, fun with our friends and breathed some excitement into our community where sometimes the ‘work’ part of life is discouraging. I love watching team sports (except Tiger and Rafael Nadal) for so many reasons, but especially watching people work together, trusting each other, relying on each other and not only accomplishing something great, but then getting to celebrate together. And I also celebrate knowing that behind every team of players and coaches are spouses, families and friends, who support, encourage and sacrifice. It’s just a nice mix of entertainment and inspiration for my little mind!
Speaking of something else inspiring. The new U2 album, No Line on the Horizon. I know there has been much said about this old band, this newish sound, the publicity stunts, etc. This is one of those things that if you don’t agree with me about, I really don’t care. I love this music. I love Bono’s lyrics. (Added bonus: I like being able to listen to it while I work out. There’s a time and place for classics like “With or Without You” but how can you deny the goodness of “I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight”?) Oh those Irish boys make me happy.
Anything else worth sharing?
Not much else at this ridiculously late hour. I’ve been out of my groove in some ways, like blogging or pausing to think and reflect – some of my favorite things to do, but difficult while medicated or sleep-deprived or holding a small child. Yet I once again come to appreciate that I think I’m a pretty blessed woman. I am looking forward to spring, a new season…it is always refreshing to see some new life and bright color emerge after a grayish winter (and stuffy noses and ear infections.)
The “S” Words
Here it goes again, some sort of inter-connectedness in the blogosphere. I write in the middle of a day where I have errands to run, a meal to prepare for part of our small group gathering tonight and two small boys to care for. A busy day, but a good day. And what is the subject for tonight’s small group with three other couples? “Simplicity” – as we have been reading through Richard Foster’s “Celebration of Discipline” and studying each theme through the book and corresponding scripture. And what just popped up as the topic over at The Mommy Revolution? A conversation about a book that focuses on rest, the Sabbath and simplicity. Yes, interesting timing indeed.
So first, where does the idea of a Sabbath come from? Oh that’s right, the Ten Commandments. The commandments that happen to list both observing a Sabbath and not worshiping any other gods (as well as a few other oh-so-important things.) Interestingly, in Exodus 31, it is also where Moses received the instructions for building the Tabernacle. I am inspired by the connection between the theme of worship and this reinforcement of the idea of a necessary rest or Sabbath. Exodus 31: 12-13 says, “Then the LORD said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘You must observe my Sabbaths. This will be a sign between me and you for the generations to come, so you may know that I am the LORD, who makes you holy.”
I am created and called to worship, to the point that my acts of worship include creating and constructing and doing (just as the Israelites were put to work creating the Tabernacle). But I see two warnings given in the commands about worship, to not worship false gods and to observe a Sabbath. BOTH of those things will glorify God and both of those things will make it so that I know that the Lord is God.
Apparently, I am the one who first needs to rightly acknowledge, believe and act as if God is God and I am not. A day of rest, a day of not doing all the things that I ‘need’ to proudly cross off my to-do list is one of the most significant ways that I can teach myself about the proper ordering when it comes to me and the Creator God of the universe, the Keeper of all space and time. Okay, so I guess I can ease up a bit on my trusty little governing notebook filled with my lists, goals, projects and ideas.
So, observing a Sabbath has ultimately the same effect on my life as the choice and actions of worshiping false gods. For me, in this case, the false god that I am worshiping when I do not observe a day of rest (from the notebook) is ME. Whether it is a control issue, a self-sufficiency issue or an identity issue, all depends on the day and the circumstance, and sometimes it is an unholy mixture of all three. If I am too tightly bound to whatever it is that I need to accomplish and do with my time, I not only find myself exhausted, crabby, unfulfilled and discouraged, but I ultimately do a severe disservice to my children and my husband and any other person who I have a relational impact on. At that point, I am no longer modeling living a life set-apart for God, but I am actually refusing to ‘know’ the Lord the way that He wants me to know Him.
I already have enough control/self-sufficiency/identity issues to work through. This is one significant area where I can make a choice to simplify in action, which in turn helps break through some nasty, unhealthy thought habits. I had a friend tell me once (and that’s all I needed for it to stick in my brain): “We don’t even think of committing murder, so why would we disregard the commandment about resting and taking a Sabbath?” I have thought many times since about this and the power of what I pass on to my kids. I will tell them how bad it is to murder, lust, worship power-money-false gods, but I will live a life of no-rest-all-productivity before them? That’s just not going to work.
So my husband and I choose days to not clean up the toys scattered about the house, to not fret about dinner and eat pancakes, to stay in our pajamas until 3pm, and to step away from the Type A personality habits that otherwise drive our days. This has helped me enormously in the last year after the birth of my second son. These simple outward steps help me overcome the huge mental hurdles that resist such perceived “unproductiveness.”
In stealing from Jim Collins “Good to Great”, sometimes Nate and I will say to each other when frantic discouragement starts to set in, or on days where one of us starts looking about with a bewildered sense of “must do, must do, must do” (think Gollum and his precious):
“So you have a lot on your to-do list. What’s on your NOT to-do list?”
Often times, the first answer will be “I do not need or want to stress and freak out if one or two things that I want to do does not actually get done.” Of course, it is always easier said than done. But, truly it helps in hovering near sanity. (And then it frees me up to impromptu blog posts, too.)
I know that much of the discussion for moms can be about taking care of children and the demands of maintaining a sense of order and well-being for our homes. We all have different standards of what defines chaos, or even survival for that matter. But I think that ultimately, we can all find areas of our life where we can abide by the defined terms for rest. My version of rest is going to look much different than someone who doesn’t have small children in the house, or who is single, or who is living in retirement. But, I just have a hunch that since it is part of God’s original commandments (which were pre-technology, pre-industrial age, pre-television) that He can lead us to a place of rest that fits each of us just right whether it is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.
Rest:
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1. |
the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep: a good night’s rest. |
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2. |
refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor: to allow an hour for rest. |
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3. |
relief or freedom, esp. from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs. |
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4. |
a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquillity:to go away for a rest. |
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5. |
mental or spiritual calm; tranquillity. |
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6. |
cessation or absence of motion: to bring a machine to rest. |
During December’s Arctic Blast, I had the pleasure of absorbing myself in the book “Eat Pray Love”. I have already tried to convince you to read it, but in case you haven’t taken the hint, I will end by borrowing a page from that book, during a time when the writer, Elizabeth Gilbert is living in Italy.
“(My sister and I) were taught to be dependable, responsible, the top of our classes at school, the most organized, efficient babysitters in town, the very miniature models of our hardworking famer/nurse of a mother, a pair of junior Swiss Army knives, born to multitask. We had a lot of enjoyment in my family, a lot of laughter, but the walls were papered with to-do lists and I never experienced or witnessed idleness, not once in my whole entire life.
Generally speaking, though, Americans have an inability to relax into sheer pleasure. Ours is an entertainment-seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure-seeking one. Americans spend billions to keep themselves amused from porn to theme parks to wars, but that’s not exactly the same thing as quiet enjoyment. Americans work harder and longer and more stressful hours than anyone in the world today. But as Luca Spaghetti pointed out, we seem to like it. Alarming statistics back this observation up, showing that many Americans feel more happy and fulfilled in their offices than they do in their own homes. Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring at the TV in a mild coma (which is the opposite of working, yet, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure). Americans don’t really know how to do nothing. This is the cause of that great sad American stereotype – the overstressed executive who goes on vacation but who cannot relax.
I once asked Luca Spaghetti if Italians on vacation have that same problem. He laughed so hard he almost drove his motorbike into a fountain.”
30 Things (#5 & #6)
Okay, sometimes things come together in the most unexpected ways.
#5: Don’t scoff at how or where there might be an opportunity to learn or receive truth. I tend to “like what I like” when it comes to things like food (i.e. certain brands of maple syrup, cheese, bread, coffee, etc.) and music. (I’ve been called a music snob, and I’ve never taken that as an insult.) I just like what I like and tend to not give much time and thought to music that I don’t like. How does this all tie in to point #5? Hang on.
Not scoffing at where or how I learn or receive truth is a pretty important area of growth for me. If I were to say that I can only learn in a certain ‘type’ of church or I don’t learn in church, I only hear God’s voice in nature, or if I were seeking parenting advice or marriage advice, I will only seek out certain people of a certain train of thought…etc., I would most likely be close minded. (And there is a difference between seeking out and following what ‘advice’ or ‘truth’ is given. That is about trust and discernment.) My point is about whether or not I live my life closing off my ears to disregard what God might want to say to me through unexpected people, circumstances, environments, etc. Recently it happened while I watched “The Incredibles” and I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at me to pay attention to one of the lessons being taught. But that’s another story for another time.
Don’t scoff. Have open ears to hear.
Today, I was watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, because that is what we do Thanksgiving mornings, partially to kick it into holiday gear and partially to laugh at all the lip syncing. Anyway, Trace Adkins was on (sponsored on the Jimmy Dean float nonetheless – is anyone who actually knows me laughing yet?) and he sang his apparent hit, “You’re Gonna Miss This.” I say apparent, because I DON’T LISTEN TO COUNTRY MUSIC. I don’t know Trace Adkins, and I don’t really plan on knowing anything more than his name and this song’s lyrics. This is my example today about why scoffing or having closed ears sets me on course for missing what God is wanting to say and speak to me. (Truly no pun intended.) The song lyrics caught my attention because the chorus literally captures the essence of what I describe as my #6 lesson of the year.
#6: Stop living for the future. This really resonates with where I can find myself dwelling mentally, especially when it comes to dreams, plans and day-to-day parenting young children.
You can look up the full song lyrics for yourself, but here’s the chorus:
You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days
Hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this
So that’s all to ponder for now. I know that I have spent plenty of time blogging about my tendencies toward anticipation, mother’s guilt, and a whole lotta other stuff that has to do with wrestling through present circumstances.
Today is Thanksgiving. Maybe it’s time to celebrate that no matter what the circumstances, no matter what things feel unfulfilled or uncertain, no matter what the perceived ruts are that I think I am trapped in…it’s time to remember and be thankful that these are some of the ‘good times’ that I will miss when they are over. I know it in my heart, but sometimes I guess my mind needs a little dose of country music to make sure things are all in sync with God’s truth. (I never, ever would have thought myself to say “need” and “country music” in the same sentence. Wow.)
Ode to July
This month will go down in the history books in our home and in our lives. Yes, we will have pictures to remind us and help shape our memories when they start to get fuzzy. But some things will be remembered in deeper, more profound ways, where we will have to choose to remember, and choose to live based on what we now know. And then there are some things that are still so new that they aren’t yet memories, more like new adventures. Overall, a darn good month. A significant month. A memorable month. 31 days, 744 hours…done, in the books. I have been pondering how I would go about sharing tidbits, as not all 744 hours get recapped mind you, (I know, you are probably really disappointed!) but here is my first draft at a list with links to more in-depth posts to follow.
- Family vacation – To start the month we had two weeks of family vacation at the beach house in Cannon Beach. It was the best one yet. I took over 2000 pictures, a few of which have been deleted. But there are some available for your viewing pleasure on my flickr and Facebook pages. We relaxed as a family, and I truly mean relaxed where we paused and inhaled, deep, satisfying breaths of refreshing salty air that somehow slowed us down to be able to think and feel and live in the moments. We had clarity of mind. We had simplicity. We laughed. We played. And we had breakthroughs of all sorts…
- ELI POTTY-TRAINED! Yes, I am shouting it at you! Shouting in joy and relief as I was in some serious doubt/frustration/exasperation, not to mention at times just disgust, as I felt so out of control and out of options when it came to this three-and-a-half year old, stubborn, red-headed child of mine. After the first attempt back in June, aka “5 days of hell(p), this isn’t working!” I really was at a loss. But I idealistically packed his underwear in his suitcase thinking, “well, maybe we can have another go at it there?” and then Nate said, “we will NOT have it like ‘THAT’ again on our VACATION!” but then I packed them anyway, thank goodness! Because…we went to the coast in diapers and came back in underwear.
- Calum is a rolling fiend. The kid is rolling everywhere, turning, doing somersaults, well, not really but almost. His ability to roll and move like this comes about 3 months in age earlier than how Eli developed. He is so much more active than Eli was, which is so fun for us to get to see him as his own little boy with his own personality and interests. The kid ADORES, and I really mean LOVES his big brother. The way his entire body comes to life with joy and excitement when he simply sees Eli is nearly indescribable and absolutely wonderful as a mom. And then when they play and laugh and giggle, it’s like I’m in a secret little part of heaven on earth.
- So, speaking of my kids and children and what we can learn from being around them. Here is a great excerpt from the one book that I started to read while on vacation. (4.a. This, by the way, is incongruent with past vacation history. Last year, I read four books, including Books 5 & 6 of Harry Potter, which actually are about two books a piece. So one, partially read book in two weeks is very, very strange. But maybe that’s the key. Hmmm. Probably not.)
From “If You Want to Write: A Book About Art, Independence, and Spirit”:
“…You see, the imagination needs moodling — long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering. These people who are always briskly doing something and as busy as waltzing mice, they have little, sharp, staccato ideas, such as: ‘I see where I can make an annual cut of $3.47 in my meat budget.’ But they have no slow, big ideas. … (Creative idleness) is the dreamy idleness that children have, and idleness when you walk alone for a long, long time, or take a long, dreamy time at dressing, or lie in bed at night and thoughts come and go, or dig in a garden, or play the piano, or sew or paint alone. With all my heart I tell you and reassure you: at such times you are being slowly filled and re-charged with warm imagination, with wonderful living thoughts.”
“You will say that children are not alone for hours everyday, and they are creative. But children are not ‘willing’ all the time. They have lifted off them all duty, all anxiety. When a child is taken somewhere by his parents he is not thinking nervously: are they late or early? is the furnace running at home? etc., but he is at rest and looks out the window and sees and thinks. He lives in the present. … They have tremendous concentration because they have no other concern than to be interested in things. Later they are trained to force concentration and become as imaginatively muddy and uneasy as the rest of us.”
So, with that, as my computer clock officially registers 12:00AM, and marks a beginning of a new month, I am done for now. I have more stories to share and life to process in this odd forum of blogging. I am working on living in the moment, one of the greatest things I got to re-learn and experience this last month. I had 744 hours, 31 days. Not all were perfect, but I was in them. Some were wonderful. Some were lazy. Some were forgettable. (We watched a lot of HGTV late at night.) Some were beautiful. Some were challenging. Some were noisy. Some were frustrating. Some were quiet. Some were invigorating.
So here’s to moodling, my new favorite word.
My Little One
“If we could see how much You’re worth, Your power, Your might, Your endless love,
Then surely we would never cease to praise…”
This morning these words founds their way into my head as I thought about the last couple of weeks events surrounding my little Calum. Two weeks ago we went in for Calum’s 2 month appointment. Just like is so common to hear, “we went for a routine appointment and then…”
As of today, there is no “and then” that is clearly defined. Calum was underweight at that appointment, keeping in mind that weight is measured relative to percentile lines. So even though he had gained weight in between his 2 week check-up and 2 month check-up, he had drastically dropped on the percentile line. So for him, he wasn’t gaining enough weight. Our wonderful pediatrician asked good questions to gauge how Calum’s feedings have been going and decided we would come back in two weeks to get weighed again.
So in between then and now I bought some formula to offer as a supplement if Calum was not feeding well. The kid can get a little fidgety, which makes for shorter feedings. We probably ended up supplementing about two ounces a day on average. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I also added an extra feeding, which meant feeding him more often. Which also meant there was a disruption to the schedule that had begun to take shape. Which then meant there was a bit of selfish frustration to go along with the budding concern over the little guy’s weight.
Yesterday was our follow-up weigh in, and Calum gained 5 ounces. Only having gained 5 ounces meant an even further drop down the percentile scale. As in, he is in maybe the 2nd percentile for weight at almost 12 weeks. My heart sunk as Dr. Wu showed me the chart and said, “lets talk about this.” And then he said we needed to do some blood tests.
The thing about blood tests is that they create a whole mix of emotions and thoughts when it comes to what I want them to reveal. Of course I want them to be normal! But then, my thoughts go to the place of wondering if they don’t reveal something, then could there be bigger issues at hand that will require more extensive testing? Or, will their lack of revealing anything show that perhaps the problem is with me? What if I am not doing something that I need to be doing for my baby, my son? Of course I want to know if I’m not so that I can change, but then I’m the problem and that messes with my mind.
There are a few different things that he is thinking that we need to try as well as investigate, and we are going back in a week for another weigh-in. In the meantime, we are supplementing his feedings with formula after every feeding. So far he is taking it really well and he is sleeping well, too.
The anxious thoughts that keep trying to poke their way into my mind is all centered around the concern that what if with all this extra supplementation he still does not gain sufficient weight? Then what path are we headed down?
I know that at 4am this morning, that was the place my mind started to wander. And that is when these song lyrics (written above) randomly came to mind. Lately, I’ve listened to music far more than I’ve had (or made) time to read the Scriptures, but perhaps these were the words God wanted to speak to me to bring comfort.
We gave Calum his name because we believed it’s meaning is part of the identity that God has given him… Calum means “dove” and in many places, it is also synonymous with peace. As Calum grew in my belly, and even in his short 12 weeks out of it, my prayers for him have been that he would be an inspiration for peace, like the kind Jesus talks about in John 14:27 – “Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
So here I am. At a crossroads of anxiety and the unknown with my little Calum, my little boy who Jesus wants to embody His peace, His confidence, His strength, His sovereignty.
When these lyrics came to mind I asked the Lord, “Why these lyrics? Why not something that has a little more to do with trust or peace or not fearing…?” And here is what He gave back to me…
If I set my eyes, my heart, my thoughts to see the Lord, mighty and sovereign on His throne, even in the little fraction of perspective or vision that I have, then I will find His peace. I will see that worship and peace are so intimately intertwined as I choose to offer praise to the One who is Calum’s Creator, my Savior and the Sovereign, Powerful God whose only nature is love as He LOVES us endlessly.
So can I worship through this? Can I trust Jesus through this week of waiting and trying not to wonder?
Can I focus on Truth, which really is just another name for Jesus, when there is the opportunity to try to find answers, or peace, elsewhere?
This could all end up very simply that we need to supplement Calum’s feedings with formula. And that could be that. It could go in various other directions too. But today, I am doing my best to set my mind on the things of the Lord, and to trust in His power, His might, His endless love. No matter what, this is a good place to be.
Our New Normal and What Else?
I have refrained from blogging lately for two significant reasons.
1. Sleep-deprivation wrecks havoc on my attempts at being articulate. (Consider this fair warning from here on out.) I didn’t want to subject myself to the embarrassment of having to look back on severe run on sentences and wacky, nonsensical meanderings of my mind.
2. Hormones. Ohmygosh. I have taken hormotional to a whole new level this week. And if I blogged in those moments it would be…well, just flat out weird.
I can’t say that today is the exception to either of these realities for me. I did have to call my soul-friend Freya at Nate’s prompting because I think he sensed that the hormone-induced crying-overwhelmed-anxious-edgy-laughing, “what? Everything’s fiiiine!” wife of his had reached a state that really only other women can help attend to.
So, on that note, I blog. I do have something to share and I think I can share it without getting too much in the way.
Our new normal as a family of four has been a bit overwhelming to me this week. (I know there is some sort of post-partum hormonal surge that happens at the three week post-birth mark that is typical, and that does bring some sort of comfort.) Prior to Calum being born, and even since, quite a few people offered their perspective on how difficult the transition from one to two kids can be and if it’s harder going from none to one or one to two or two to three. All I know right now is that anytime you have a significant life change, it brings with it a buffet table of reasons to freak out and cry “uncle” to God.
This week my metaphorical plate has been full of extra helpings of mother’s guilt (I’m really edgy with Eli) and unrealistic expectations, especially of myself. But today the Lord was sweet and tender and showed up somewhere in the midst of thinking “I’m doing great! I know these moments are fleeting and I will soon long for the days where all my son wants to be held 24 hours a day!” and feeling like a caged animal.
This afternoon I was inadvertently attempting to have an adult conversation, you know the kind where you use three syllable words and speak in concepts and talk about what we are striving for in life, and even share hearts about difficulties…well, but, I was doing this with my three year old. I told Eli I needed to talk and he looked at me sincerely with his little green eyes and said “What Mom?”
I then proceeded to speak paragraphs about how we have a “new reality, a new normal” now that baby brother is here, and it’s hard work and transitions in life can be difficult and we don’t always know how to deal with them and it’s frustrating and I don’t like myself all the time and I’m sorry for being such a wreck and crying and laughing all in the same minute and I’m trying hard to pray and know that God is here wanting to give me His Spirit to refresh and strengthen me and… then I took a breath. And his little green eyes twinkled up at me and he said, “What else?”
What else? Because what, you understood all that? I didn’t even understand all that!
No, I think that was Jesus. I think He put the twinkle in Eli’s eyes because it was Him who was listening, lovingly and patiently, listening to my heart and mind being poured out. And even though to me it felt like muck and spewage, I think to Jesus it was just what He wanted me to purge. I think Jesus values our honesty in circumstances like this or whatever gets us all out of whack.
I think this because for one thing, I have read the Psalms and see David and other writers pouring out their anguishes, their fears, their anger, their needs to God and He doesn’t flinch. And, two, all throughout the Gospels there are stories of Jesus, all-knowing Creator of the universe and of humankind, asking people questions, asking them to articulate what He would have already known about their thoughts, doubts, questions and circumstances. I truly believe that He wants to hear what is on our minds, what is weighing us down or preoccupying space that He wants to fill with His truth or perspective or just simply His loving presence.
I heard His voice asking “What else?” today because He wanted me to remember that He is with me, right here, in my imbalances and tears and anxieties. And He is here in the laughter and peace in holding my newborn son and joy in watching Eli smother Calum with kisses for his “buddy.” He is with me through it all. So now I have written it and tomorrow, should there be another mommy meltdown, I have a reference point of truth from Him through my little E.
A Question for All You Momma’s Out There
Okay, so here’s me right now: I am 39 weeks pregnant, I sent my husband and 3 year old on a movie and Dairy Queen run, and I have “post-wailing-session” puffy eyes.
But…I have a question that I have been wanting to put out there for a few days now. Tonight, in the state that I am in, just seems completely and utterly perfect timing to ask it. I would truly love to have some sort of dialogue and comments. If you come across this post, and you know of other Mommas who are into the whole blogging thing, encourage them to respond. (Sure, this could be because tonight especially I need some reassurance that I am not the only one who locks herself in a dark room, throwing pillows, crying and moaning “I don’t want it to be like this!!!” And already, I am actually laughing about it. How hormotional is that?!?)
ANYWAY.
In all seriousness, I have been thinking a lot about motherhood lately because yes, I am READY to meet my second son. I am ready to have my heart and mind blown away once again at the sheer miracle of birth and new life and meeting my child, my baby, a part of who I am and forever will be. But there’s more. Nearly all of my dearest friends are mothers. We are journeying through this experience that still feels so new sometimes, and yet, so familiar, like life without children was a make-believe story.
So track with me on a few experiences that got me here, besides tonight’s episode that revolved around me, my 3 year old and “the dinner battle.”
At my shower a couple weeks ago, I was surrounded by many dear women family members. One activity was to go around the room and offer a word of encouragement or any words of wisdom, especially from the women who have more than one child. It was such a tender and memorable experience for me. There were many tears as we all reflected simply on the experience of motherhood.
So jump ahead to this week with me. My friend Meredith called while on her way up to OHSU for an appointment with a feeding specialist for her almost two year old son. Quinn has Cystic Fibrosis, and doctors appointments can at times be tough experiences. The thing I was so inspired by was Meredith’s recognition that this was a circumstance that had the potential to be emotionally overwhelming (especially because her husband wasn’t able to join her) and instead of just toughing it out, she asked for some support through prayer.
It made me think about how much Meredith has sacrificed and experienced in the last 23 months as a first-time mom (but those are her stories to share.) Then I started thinking about many of my friends, and the different circumstances of life we are all finding our ways through as mommas with young kids. A short and obvious list includes things such as giving up jobs (especially jobs where there is much passion), working through questions of identity, figuring out a new sense of “balance”, etc.
And somewhere in these thoughts, I came to the question that I am pondering about myself and would like you to ponder with me:
How has becoming a mom changed you?
I think there is something beautiful about transformation, even amidst the darker hours, like the kind I had tonight. I think sometimes the change is nearly impossible to identify; sometimes it feels overwhelming and confusing; and sometimes, I think there are moments of great satisfaction, like I am finally “getting” what life, love, and relationships are all about.
So, I want to talk about it. I want to hear some stories: the good, the bad and the ugly. And I want to celebrate this enormous endeavor of motherhood with you.
