empty praise

Croup is just a couple of vowels different than crap, but right now it is about the same in my head. I’m ridiculously tired. Eli has never, *ever* slept so poorly in his life, and so therefore, I have never, *ever* slept so poorly in my life as I have the last two nights. I am blogging rather than sleeping simply because I am slightly afraid of actually falling asleep to then most likely be woken to the sounds of pain and tears and frustration and the wretched-foul croup cough in my 3 year old.

I am sad for him. His birthday is Saturday and we were all set to have his little group of friends over and go for a tour of the fire station and just celebrate him by doing things and eating things that he loves, with people he loves. But…my friends would seriously question my judgment if they heard the sounds coming out of his little body when they brought their children to my home. So, no party this week. Crappy Croup.

We’ve never let Eli sleep with us before but this week we’ve done it two nights in a row. (Well, it wasn’t really sleeping since we were all miserably awake.) Oh, and it’s especially hard to share a bed and cuddle a little boy when you are nearing your third trimester in pregnancy. Being a parent is hard work. Being a parent when your kid is sick is ridiculously hard work.

I’ve been stressed today because there are things I feel like I can do to help him, and he won’t let me…he doesn’t care about vitamin C or Tylenol or hot steam showers. The kid refuses to drink juice (even if I bribe him with Halloween candy!) and on most days he loves taking his vitamins, but of course he didn’t today, and so I got stressed and irritated. I even had to put myself in a time out at one point since he was completely melting down over not wearing socks yet I wanted him to stay warm…

Yet looking back at my last couple of days (and nights) I think the hardest part wasn’t him kicking my soccer-ball-of-a uterus or coughing crappy croup germs 2 inches from my face… it is feeling so helpless and limited in being able to care for him. I think it’s really that I want to fix it for him, make him better, and I can’t. I am sure that ‘experienced’ parents would say, “so goes it in life as a parent.” This little croup episode is only the beginning.

I need a good dose of sleep and an even better dose of perspective. I love that kid so much it hurts, physically at times in both the joking way and also the ‘my heart is aching for him’ kind of way. But it also drives me to prayer, which is a much needed good thing. I pray because I’m not God, I’m not capable of fixing or controlling anything in anyone, especially my family. I pray because I am humbled by my lack of strength, mercy and grace, even when I have really good intentions. I pray out of selfishness so often (like when I pray for Eli to get better so we can have his birthday party.) But I think even in my selfish prayers God has His God way in bringing something redemptive and true out of the situation. I’m much too tired for anything more complicated or profound than that…so maybe I can be somewhat thankful from somewhere in my deliriousness for this crappy croup.