The Little Things
Our prayer time with the ‘prayer team’ was awesome.
In my last post I said something about how God is always reaching for me, even if I am not reaching for Him. I didn’t mean to say it, I was just blog-babbling, with my thoughts going from head to keyboard, unedited. I didn’t realize how true it is, was, and will always be. The prayer time was a demonstration of His reach toward me (towards us, really) – it was amazing, humbling, beautiful, tender and powerful.
First, I want to say that it such an incredible thing to be part of a church body where people are committed to seeking and listening for God, specifically for other people. Maybe I just haven’t paused to think about the power of intercessory prayer enough. But I usually associate intercessory prayer as something much more private, and therefore, powerful in that way particular way. I was humbled that five people (some who are dear friends, some who are more acquaintances) would spend HOURS (which included preparation, not just the actual prayer time together) to come meet with us, listen, ask questions, listen some more and then purposefully seek revelation and truth from God for us. Nothing was for them. They were listening to God to receive something to give it away. There were moments that I truly felt like they were warriors fighting for us. They weren’t fighting for them, for us. It’s still indescribable, even though I have tried a few sentences. It was a gift of service and love that helped me to have a deeper understanding of what service and love is about in the powerful act of prayer.
So one of the things I know I needed, as I even blogged about hours before our prayer time together, was the desire and capacity to see God, have His vision or have a vision FOR Him, in the little things.
Can I just say that God’s faithfulness to respond so swiftly is …
… seen in the way that a smile creeps slowly across Calum’s face, where it starts with a little glimmer in his eyes. Daily I spend hours upon hours with this little thing smiling this sometimes devious, sometimes pure delight, smile up at me. It brings joy just to even envision it in my mind’s eye right now.
… experienced in the drive from Sherwood to Newberg yesterday morning after an “unsuccessful” yet unimportant outing to Target. The sun was already warm on our skin. I made a kickin’ new playlist that we turned on and r o c k e d out to…it included Eli’s special request of “That’s Not My Name” and some of my new-ish faves. One of those songs is “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It rocks. (Literally, I think it’s one of the tracks to play along to on Rock Band or Guitar Hero.) The cool chick singer belts out the chorus, “They don’t love you like I love you.” Eli and I sang this to each other, rocking out on 99W. The best part? Hours later … sitting at the dining room table, Eli points at me all intense and crafty and says, “They don’t love you like I love you!”
… inspiration that hit early today. After two weeks of NyQuil induced sleep at night, my body has slogged through the morning hours. 8am wake ups have felt like it may as well have been 4am, with a complete and utter sense of being out of it. This morning, the sun crept in through the french door open in our bedroom and I woke up at 6:15 a.m. refreshed, despite six hours of sleep. Clearly on my mind was with a thought or two about some stories to tell when the time comes to tell them. That could sound all vague or roundabout, but bottom line is this, I had a moment of creativity and inspiration for something that first of all, had room to come in, and second, to actually dwell and play in my mind. It was nice, the way an unexpected bouquet of flowers or flattering compliment is nice to receive.
I’m savoring and sharing these little big things in the hopes that there are more for all of us in the days ahead.
Add comment May 30, 2009
A Reflection on Humility
Today I heard a definition of humility that I had never heard before. Perhaps the context of the conversation, especially in light of where I am at spiritually, emotionally, etc., is for thinking about another time. (Naptime is about over anyway.) It’s worth pondering.
Humility is “hearing God’s voice and doing what He says.”
Part of the interesting context for me today is that tonight Nate and I are meeting with our church community’s “Spiritual Renewal Team” – a prayer team that takes very seriously the responsibility and gift to specifically seek insight and revelation from God for intercessory purposes. Last night I actually got nervous as I thought about meeting with the group. It’s because I know how dried up I feel. Sure, I’ve been sick with what has felt like the flu for the last week – but my spiritual well being has been off for much longer. It’s really an intimacy with God thing that has been lacking…as in, I haven’t made time with Him a priority. If we could apply the Five Love Languages model to our relationship, I would say that Quality Time has been completely off the radar. Just as in any healthy relationship, lack of something as significant as quality time means the relationship suffers. This is just the plain and simple nutshell version of something that obviously goes much deeper than a blog post in blogland. (And it’s really not to be Debbie Downer, either.)
So here’s the cool thing. Picture a sandwich. Doesn’t matter what kind, as long as there are two pieces of bread. My stuff is the filling of the sandwich, like my ‘empty tank’. And my nervousness to come before a group of people that could call out the reality of the rather dismal state of my internal well-being, my lack of discipline, my ‘lukewarm’ attitude on some things, my struggles with selfish desires…
God is sandwiching that stuff in two thoughts, truths even, to help me to see Him in this process and even in the preparation to hear Him tonight. He is always reaching for me, even when I am not reaching for Him.
This new definition of humility to consider is one part of it. Hearing and obeying…but it starts with hearing.
The second is this random reading from Oswald Chambers (My Utmost…) which I read about an hour after hearing the above mentioned nugget on humility.
“Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint. (Proverbs 29:18). … Once we lose sight of God, we begin to be reckless. We cast off certain restraints from activities we know are wrong. We set prayer aside as well and cease having God’s vision in the little things of life. We simply begin to act on our own initiative. If we are eating only out of our own hand, and doing things solely on our initiative without expecting God to come in, we are on a downward path. We have lost the vision. Is our attitude today an attitude that flows from our vision of God? Are we expecting God to do greater things than He has ever done before? Is there a freshness and vitality in our spiritual outlook?”
My attention is piqued. The nervousness is dissipating to anticipation. This is a good thing.
1 comment May 27, 2009
A Very Good Day
It’s a little silly that I haven’t been here for awhile. This morning I noticed a similar trend in my journal, my last three journal entries were March 2nd, April 2nd, and now, today, May 2nd. Hmmm. Just a coincidence. (For all my friends who love LOST as much as I do, if that is even possible, then maybe we could come up with a theory about why those numbers…)
Continue Reading Add comment May 2, 2009
Who, What, Where, When & Why
I haven’t blogged in about forever. I have come, I have written, but I just haven’t hit “publish.” There have been far too many incomplete sentences…
So, in my determination to reemerge in blogland, I figured I would just start with the basics of what life has been about lately…
Back in February, Calum turned 1. The kid is a firecracker and a cuddlebug wrapped wonderfully into one long, lean little body. (93rd percentile, for height. Yeah…wait, what?) Oh, but we had to celebrate belatedly and multiple times, because he had a 102 fever on his birthday, along with an ear infection. Plus Eli had spent the week battling croup, a fever of 104 that lasted 3 days and ear infections in both ears. Ugh. Our first celebration included eating ice cream after watching the GFU girls complete their undefeated regular season with my family. Then we celebrated ‘for real’ with friends, cupcakes, and a treasured Thomas balloon the following weekend…
Calum turns 1! He's happy! He's not! (He's sick.)
Lets see…did I mention that there was sickness? That feels like it has been the “what” of the last couple of months. I have been to the doctor’s office three times and once to urgent care. Fun times! It seems as if every mom I have talked to has been dealing with some sort of persistent, frustrating, isolating sickness with their kids AND themselves. I truly think that there is nothing worse than feeling like staying in bed all day long with drugs, tissues, warm drinks and warm blankets and knowing that your kids actually need all that and then some more comfort and care so it’s just NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.
This is just sad.
So yes, I have been sick. And the boys were sick. They got prescription medication. I bought more NyQuil, DayQuil, Peppermint Tea and Ibuprofen. Then we started to get better. Then Calum’s cough got worse. Then after the medication was dispensed, Eli complained of another earache and randomly slept one Sunday from 1pm until 8pm, then back to bed at 9pm. (And I missed a concert date with Nate.) Then Eli was fine. Then I got a sinus infection. Then Calum got another 104 fever and another ear infection, in each ear this time. Now more medication. (That comes complete with ‘explosive diaper’ side effects.)
Okay, okay. Done whining.
Lets focus on the positive.
I have been having some wonderful date nights with my husband. He has been lovingly persistent through the course of the last four years of having children about us making date nights a priority. I think the importance of time together, away from the house, away from dishes or diapers or distractions has been something that I haven’t always grasped. Plus, I admit to being the kind of person who longs for ‘just me’ time, so when given the opportunity to get out, sometimes I just want it to be me. Not only does he give me this time, but he also makes a big deal about wanting to hang out with me! It’s amazing. (He still likes me!) I do just want to say to any moms who might be dragging your feet, making excuses, battling with insecurities, or just plain forgetting about spending quality time with your husband: make the time. Even if it is a trip to DQ for the Blizzard of the Month and sitting in a parking lot of the nearest park, just go. And then do it again, soon.
Speaking of dates. It has been a basketball week for us. Nate’s dad bought us NCAA tickets to the first and second round games that have been here in Portland. And to top it off, those incredible George Fox girls are the national champions with an undefeated season. We’ve been to a lot of the home games this year, and spent the last week watching them online in the tournament. It has been fun for our family, fun with our friends and breathed some excitement into our community where sometimes the ‘work’ part of life is discouraging. I love watching team sports (except Tiger and Rafael Nadal) for so many reasons, but especially watching people work together, trusting each other, relying on each other and not only accomplishing something great, but then getting to celebrate together. And I also celebrate knowing that behind every team of players and coaches are spouses, families and friends, who support, encourage and sacrifice. It’s just a nice mix of entertainment and inspiration for my little mind!
Speaking of something else inspiring. The new U2 album, No Line on the Horizon. I know there has been much said about this old band, this newish sound, the publicity stunts, etc. This is one of those things that if you don’t agree with me about, I really don’t care. I love this music. I love Bono’s lyrics. (Added bonus: I like being able to listen to it while I work out. There’s a time and place for classics like “With or Without You” but how can you deny the goodness of “I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight”?) Oh those Irish boys make me happy.
Anything else worth sharing?
Not much else at this ridiculously late hour. I’ve been out of my groove in some ways, like blogging or pausing to think and reflect – some of my favorite things to do, but difficult while medicated or sleep-deprived or holding a small child. Yet I once again come to appreciate that I think I’m a pretty blessed woman. I am looking forward to spring, a new season…it is always refreshing to see some new life and bright color emerge after a grayish winter (and stuffy noses and ear infections.)
Add comment March 22, 2009
The “S” Words
Here it goes again, some sort of inter-connectedness in the blogosphere. I write in the middle of a day where I have errands to run, a meal to prepare for part of our small group gathering tonight and two small boys to care for. A busy day, but a good day. And what is the subject for tonight’s small group with three other couples? “Simplicity” – as we have been reading through Richard Foster’s “Celebration of Discipline” and studying each theme through the book and corresponding scripture. And what just popped up as the topic over at The Mommy Revolution? A conversation about a book that focuses on rest, the Sabbath and simplicity. Yes, interesting timing indeed.
So first, where does the idea of a Sabbath come from? Oh that’s right, the Ten Commandments. The commandments that happen to list both observing a Sabbath and not worshiping any other gods (as well as a few other oh-so-important things.) Interestingly, in Exodus 31, it is also where Moses received the instructions for building the Tabernacle. I am inspired by the connection between the theme of worship and this reinforcement of the idea of a necessary rest or Sabbath. Exodus 31: 12-13 says, “Then the LORD said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘You must observe my Sabbaths. This will be a sign between me and you for the generations to come, so you may know that I am the LORD, who makes you holy.”
I am created and called to worship, to the point that my acts of worship include creating and constructing and doing (just as the Israelites were put to work creating the Tabernacle). But I see two warnings given in the commands about worship, to not worship false gods and to observe a Sabbath. BOTH of those things will glorify God and both of those things will make it so that I know that the Lord is God.
Apparently, I am the one who first needs to rightly acknowledge, believe and act as if God is God and I am not. A day of rest, a day of not doing all the things that I ‘need’ to proudly cross off my to-do list is one of the most significant ways that I can teach myself about the proper ordering when it comes to me and the Creator God of the universe, the Keeper of all space and time. Okay, so I guess I can ease up a bit on my trusty little governing notebook filled with my lists, goals, projects and ideas.
So, observing a Sabbath has ultimately the same effect on my life as the choice and actions of worshiping false gods. For me, in this case, the false god that I am worshiping when I do not observe a day of rest (from the notebook) is ME. Whether it is a control issue, a self-sufficiency issue or an identity issue, all depends on the day and the circumstance, and sometimes it is an unholy mixture of all three. If I am too tightly bound to whatever it is that I need to accomplish and do with my time, I not only find myself exhausted, crabby, unfulfilled and discouraged, but I ultimately do a severe disservice to my children and my husband and any other person who I have a relational impact on. At that point, I am no longer modeling living a life set-apart for God, but I am actually refusing to ‘know’ the Lord the way that He wants me to know Him.
I already have enough control/self-sufficiency/identity issues to work through. This is one significant area where I can make a choice to simplify in action, which in turn helps break through some nasty, unhealthy thought habits. I had a friend tell me once (and that’s all I needed for it to stick in my brain): “We don’t even think of committing murder, so why would we disregard the commandment about resting and taking a Sabbath?” I have thought many times since about this and the power of what I pass on to my kids. I will tell them how bad it is to murder, lust, worship power-money-false gods, but I will live a life of no-rest-all-productivity before them? That’s just not going to work.
So my husband and I choose days to not clean up the toys scattered about the house, to not fret about dinner and eat pancakes, to stay in our pajamas until 3pm, and to step away from the Type A personality habits that otherwise drive our days. This has helped me enormously in the last year after the birth of my second son. These simple outward steps help me overcome the huge mental hurdles that resist such perceived “unproductiveness.”
In stealing from Jim Collins “Good to Great”, sometimes Nate and I will say to each other when frantic discouragement starts to set in, or on days where one of us starts looking about with a bewildered sense of “must do, must do, must do” (think Gollum and his precious):
“So you have a lot on your to-do list. What’s on your NOT to-do list?”
Often times, the first answer will be “I do not need or want to stress and freak out if one or two things that I want to do does not actually get done.” Of course, it is always easier said than done. But, truly it helps in hovering near sanity. (And then it frees me up to impromptu blog posts, too.)
I know that much of the discussion for moms can be about taking care of children and the demands of maintaining a sense of order and well-being for our homes. We all have different standards of what defines chaos, or even survival for that matter. But I think that ultimately, we can all find areas of our life where we can abide by the defined terms for rest. My version of rest is going to look much different than someone who doesn’t have small children in the house, or who is single, or who is living in retirement. But, I just have a hunch that since it is part of God’s original commandments (which were pre-technology, pre-industrial age, pre-television) that He can lead us to a place of rest that fits each of us just right whether it is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.
Rest:
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1. |
the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep: a good night’s rest. |
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2. |
refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor: to allow an hour for rest. |
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3. |
relief or freedom, esp. from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs. |
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4. |
a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquillity:to go away for a rest. |
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5. |
mental or spiritual calm; tranquillity. |
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6. |
cessation or absence of motion: to bring a machine to rest. |
During December’s Arctic Blast, I had the pleasure of absorbing myself in the book “Eat Pray Love”. I have already tried to convince you to read it, but in case you haven’t taken the hint, I will end by borrowing a page from that book, during a time when the writer, Elizabeth Gilbert is living in Italy.
“(My sister and I) were taught to be dependable, responsible, the top of our classes at school, the most organized, efficient babysitters in town, the very miniature models of our hardworking famer/nurse of a mother, a pair of junior Swiss Army knives, born to multitask. We had a lot of enjoyment in my family, a lot of laughter, but the walls were papered with to-do lists and I never experienced or witnessed idleness, not once in my whole entire life.
Generally speaking, though, Americans have an inability to relax into sheer pleasure. Ours is an entertainment-seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure-seeking one. Americans spend billions to keep themselves amused from porn to theme parks to wars, but that’s not exactly the same thing as quiet enjoyment. Americans work harder and longer and more stressful hours than anyone in the world today. But as Luca Spaghetti pointed out, we seem to like it. Alarming statistics back this observation up, showing that many Americans feel more happy and fulfilled in their offices than they do in their own homes. Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring at the TV in a mild coma (which is the opposite of working, yet, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure). Americans don’t really know how to do nothing. This is the cause of that great sad American stereotype – the overstressed executive who goes on vacation but who cannot relax.
I once asked Luca Spaghetti if Italians on vacation have that same problem. He laughed so hard he almost drove his motorbike into a fountain.”
Add comment January 21, 2009
“Jump Up and Down” Good
I am a passionate person, and I wouldn’t say that I am reserved, but I am also a grown woman who doesn’t usually jump up and down to show my excitement or enthusiasm for something in particular. “Jump up and down good” is my reference point since that is what I see/hear/feel my four year old do quite often to express his complete delight at ________ (insert: approval of a household wrestling match/a trip to the beach/being told he gets to spend the night at Grandma’s house, etc.))
I see it because there is flailing involved. I hear it because squeals and shouts accompany it. I feel it because we have hardwood floors and the place shakes when 35 pounds of boy jump.
So it doesn’t necessarily have to be jumping up and down for everyone, but it’s something like that, some sort of physical, mental, emotional take-over of your whole being that represents you agreeing (in all of those ways) with something else outside of you. For me “jump up and down” good means it’s really, really good. The kind of good that gets me so excited that I want to share it and make the floors shake so you can know that I mean good.
Wow, so that’s a lot of build up, right???
Right.
But see, I’ve had two jump and down good moments in the last 24 hours and they both came from something I read. So since I read them, I can share them, which is what I am dedicating this post to…I guess it’s my way of squealing and shouting “YOU’VE GOT TO READ THIS AND THINK ABOUT THIS AND ISN’T IT PROVOKING AND THOUGHTFUL AND INSPIRING AND AFFIRMING…” and all that kind of stuff. Yes, ALL CAPS because remember, I am jumping up and down.
(Deep breath, exhale….whew.)
Yes. I really like reading and I especially like reading things that stir up my brain and heart simultaneously. For me, this type of convergent inspiration is more rare than I would like it to be. (Cheers to smart people who can say things that need to be said, for starting conversations and for taking time to think about and then articulate some truths really well!)
First one: “Is Motherhood a Calling?” over at The Mommy Revolution.
Second one: “Small Wonders” by Tom Sine over at Leadership Journal.
One last thing. I know that these two articles meant a lot to me because of what I have been spending a great deal of time thinking about as well as writing about lately. As I enter my seventh year of being on staff at our church, I have never been so passionate and ready for something to unleash, some specific conversations to collectively be had, for some bold steps of action and faith to be taken and for some things in our community to be shaken up yet realigned. (And it’s starting, but that’s all for another day’s post.)
So I read the “Small Wonders” article last night (so did my husband) and Nate and I looked at each other with smiles and big eyes and I wanted to jump up and down. It’s inspiring to me when God reminds me that He’s in charge and He’s the one blowing through this place (”this place” being His church, my brain, other people’s brains, other communities, etc…) and I’m excited because I am actually catching some of what He’s saying and doing.
So take that and add to it that today, I shared with one of our pastors my 7 page (10 pt. font, single space except between paragraphs) “Ministry Calling Evaluation” where I was asked to describe the kind of “Call” I have to ministry. It’s a document Nate and I both have been working on (individual papers, though) for the last two months. Heck yeah I talk about being a mom and wife and if a call is to a circumstance/role/vocation or a way of life! So then tonight, I read this post and I had a “jump up and down” kind of moment again.
I don’t expect you to jump and down with me, but that’s the great thing about jump up and down moments. The jumper doesn’t care what anyone else thinks because the jumper is only concerned with the reason for jumping with excitement in the first place.
I hope you have a reason to jump sometime soon. It’s invigorating.
— And here’s a freebie just in case these articles are yawners: I also read the book “Eat Pray Love” (finally) last month. If that doesn’t hit the spot, then I don’t know what else to say. Good luck to you. —
Add comment January 16, 2009
Pondering these things in my heart
We read the “classic” version of the Christmas story this morning. (Luke 2) How many times have I heard this particular version, where there is no room in the inn, there appears a heavenly host, there are stars and shepherds, mangers and one woman’s beginning of motherhood.
The new mother part is what is sticking with me this Christmas morning as one child naps and the other is playing Clue Jr. with his Daddy.
I gave birth this year, after four days of labor, which included two trips to the hospital, little food, even less sleep and one triumphant delivery of my second son. I have a birth story, and it has very low lows and unforgettable moments of perseverance and strength (sometimes my own, often that of others.) But there are plenty of other details to the four days of labor, which include intensity and pain, contractions, baths, bathroom business, tears, blood, needles, blood pressure cuffs, monitors, cords, heartbeats, charts, nurses, dear friends, family, cameras and two wonderful midwives.
Mary, she had her dear fiance Joseph. And maybe a stable boy? Probably some sort of group of travelers that were making their way to Bethlehem, which hopefully included some family members. Most likely some animals were in near proximity, and most definitely their unsanitized trough.
How long had she been having contractions?
Who was there to hold her hand? (I mean seriously, how involved do you really think men were during birth back then? )
What about towels or water or pillows?
Where did she lie down and rest afterward?
Did she tear? Who ‘caught’ the baby? What about the umbilical cord? What about the messy part of delivery? Was she able to breastfeed him right away or was she in agonizing pain and exhaustion?
Birth is so intense. Imagine how much more for a young, unmarried, traveler who had encountered angels, experienced a miraculous conception, and probably had a glimpse of the enormous responsibility ahead of her…let alone simply being a first time mom.
I wonder what those birth moments were like for her. I wonder what the moments afterward were like.
I cried, my husband cried, we inhaled the newborn smell and nuzzled tiny ears and fingers. Time felt slowed down yet as if it was moving so quickly around us as we were congratulated and fed and physically attended to. There was little sleep initially as adrenalin and pure joy coursed through us, and soon we were surrounded by family and friends who came to celebrate with us.
This morning, we read how the shepherds quickly followed the word of the angels to visit this new baby, Christ the Lord. So Mary and Joseph had visitors, too. But they didn’t know each other beforehand. I wonder how that encounter went, did they mention angels or stars? What did Mary and Joseph think as these shepherds arrived, “And so it begins???”
But what about that time right after Jesus’ birth, before the shepherds arrived? Was there a holy stillness in the stable? Was there a sense of peace and joy? You know those moments when it feels like God’s presence is thick and tangible, did it feel like that? I mean, obviously they were holding Jesus, so that is pretty ‘tangible’ but was there something even more to it? As I think about it, I bet there was. And I hope for this brave little family, that it lasted hours rather than minutes. I hope it gave them peace and encouragement that what they had faced was nothing compared to the triumph that had occurred through their obedience intertwined with the presence of God.
I hope there is a day where I can hear the unabridged version of this story. (After all, I always love love love hearing birth stories.) But for today, I will let my imagination roam freely as I ponder stories and moments in my life of experiencing the gift of Emmanuel, God with us.
my best friend supporting me
1 comment December 25, 2008
Superhero Adventures
Random blog post warning in effect.
Last night we watched “The Dark Knight.” The night before we watched “Hancock.” Within the last few weeks we also watched “Ironman” and “The Incredibles.” There is a recurring theme…yes, we seem to watch a lot of movies (it goes in phases). The recurring theme I am referring to happens to be about superheroes.
Last night, I wondered what that was, why were choosing superhero movies. I think it is a bizarre combination of morbid fascination (Heath Ledger), reviews of strong writing and theme development (I concur to an extent), good acting, and we didn’t want too much of a downer. (I know, there is a bit of irony there since most superhero movies have a ‘villian’ who tends towards massive amounts of murder. No downers there, watching a hospital blow up or anything…right? Riiiight.)
Anyway. No downers, just some well-directed entertainment. I thought about it some more today though as I checked a few blogs while confined by ice in my house and struggling with lack of motivation issues. I then noticed another recurring theme in the blogs I happened to read…maybe because these people had recent posts. The blogs I got sucked into all are from people having adventures. (The Macys are three months into their around-the-world adventure. The Smiths are five months into their Bangor, Maine adventure. There are new moms and past co-workers and friends returning from Disneyland.)
It made me think…why have I been sucked into stories about superheroes and adventures? I could go all analytical here. I could delve into some self-exploration about my self-worth or need to be appreciated or how much I wish I could be Mrs. Incredible. (Seriously, I love her powers and how good she looks in her little red outfit.) Then to state the obvious I could say that some of the recurring things in my life have been feeling a bit too much like being on a treadmill facing a wall. I know the work of mothering is supposedly paying off, but it sure seems to be the same scenery day-in, day-out.
But then, as soon as I feel myself heading down the slippery slope of discontenment, Eli asks me a question this afternoon:
“Do cows have penises?”
Yes, Eli the boy cows do.
“And the Daddy cows, too, Mom.”
Yep, them too.
“Does the milk come out of the boy cows penis?”
“Umm (pause simply to try to contain the laughter)…nope. The milk comes out of the cows udder.”
“Oh, it looks like a penis.”
Yeah. Yep. Sure. It does. What made you think about this Eli?
“Curious George.”
Okay. Thanks PBS Kids.
Anyway, sometimes I can feel judgemental and protective of moms. I think being a mom can be so incredibly undervalued, misunderstood and written off as a role that keeps one out of touch with the rest of the world. Sometimes, I think I contribute to this by my own need of validation outside of anything that has to do with being a mom or wife. It’s not that I don’t see myself as anything except mom and wife, it’s actually that sometimes I place too high of value on so many other things that the place these two unique roles have becomes undervalued. Does that makes sense?
It’s like, I don’t want a “mom haircut” and I want to color my hair, so I kind of freaked out when I couldn’t get my hair colored. (Because somehow, if I colored my hair the way that I want to color my hair, I will then have the appearance of not just ‘letting myself go’ physically and I will prove that I am still in touch with current styles.) That’s me: judgmental, shallow and vain about hair.
This last week, I read “I Was Told There’d Be Cake” by Sloan Crosley, who is actually younger than me. She’s smart, she’s witty, she is the kind of funny where you laugh out loud and then read the paragraph to under-amused husband -funny. Oh, and she’s into recreational drug use. So I was impressed and annoyed at the same time. She’s published. But…I hate drugs.
She didn’t have a ton of adventures. Sure, she lives in NYC which has the instantly cool factor thing going for someone. She just observed life and actually has been quite a bit of an idiot, yet she owned it, so that makes it a little better. But I read about her life. And it made me laugh. And it entertained me, and she doesn’t have any superpowers or crazy scarred villians she’s fighting off to save humanity.
Do I appreciate my life? Do I value the roles I have? Do I recognize the simple yet profound moments of influencing the lives of my children as I live out my days before their little eyes and minds? Am I preoccupied with future or past occurrences that somehow (mis)represent fulfillment?
My mother-in-law is nearing the end of her four months of chemotherapy treatment for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. (It’s worth reading her online journal entries as she has shared moments of this journey.) I have shared a few different times to various people how there is some sort of irony, or incongruity between what is expected and what occurs, in this journey with cancer. She is technically diagnosed as Stage IVb Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. The cancer was growing everywhere in her lymphatic system, including her bone marrow. Treatment began almost immediately upon diagnosis, as doctors used words such as “aggressive” and “widespread.”
The ironic part is perhaps what many cancer patients before have expressed, but it isn’t obvious to people on the outside looking in or Hollywood for that matter. One of the other movies we watched this year was “The Bucket List” – the one where Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson set out to have all sorts of adventures and once-in-a-lifetime experiences before they ‘kick the bucket.’ Somehow I get the feeling that so many people are waiting for life to happen to them, waiting for a certain set of circumstances or opportunities or experiences to really feel alive. What is feeling alive anyway? Is it one of those things that is uniquely defined by each person? Probably. Is it an experience in a few amazing moments and then is it over?
Some of the transformation I have seen in my mother-in-law, and some of the transformation I have experienced in our family since this diagnosis has been evidence of truly living. And the stuff I am thinking of are times of honest conversations, shared dreams and fears, birthday parties and laughter and watching Tina Fey impersonate Sarah Palin. I am talking about simple dinners and prayers shared. I am talking about Eli praying for Jesus to make Grandma feel better.
These are my adventures.
Oh, and for the superhero moments…I pushed another human being out of my body after four exhausting days of labor in February. I also have been dealing with potty-training, irregular sleeping habits, and making sure that two children are living and growing. And I work for our church. And I really care about my work, so I give a lot of mental and physical time and energy to it. And I am committed to having a better marriage year #8 than the past 7, and I hope that year 9 is even better…so in otherwords, I am doing my best in putting time into my marriage because I think that a strong marriage is about as undervalued as moms sometimes.
Anyway. I said random blog post warning, I guess I should have said “EXTENDED” random blog post warning.
(Sorry if you don’t get my humor, just watch the local Portland news during winter weather. I know, I can be a bit of a dork.)
Add comment December 16, 2008
Snow Day, um I mean “ARCTIC BLAST!”
I am thankful for the snow and “Arctic Blast 08″ or whatever the silly news producers have decided to name this storm system. (Because anything outside of “40 and rainy” from November through February in the Northwest gets a name, much like hurricanes and tropical storms. Yet, it’s all a bit wannabe, like actors on the CW.) Anyway…back to the snow “storm” we are having.
It makes me laugh, it makes me slow down, it makes me feel like a kid again as I watch all the school closures and still feel some sort of giddy relief that I am off the hook. (Somehow I just don’t think my kids will know what that means though.)
Today was sweet and cozy, cold and fun and ultimately laid back despite kids who bounced.off.the.walls. We had soup I made yesterday in preparation(!) and we walked with giant snowflakes falling to get coffee, and we even finally got around to decorating one of the best Christmas trees we’ve ever had.
As I was sitting here tonight, content even though my toes are actually still cold, Nate wanted to watch a bit more of the “treachery” as he loves to call the news. It really is all so entertaining! We shook our heads at the driving debacles and laughed at the dramatic recaps from reporters squinting through the snow while freezing their Columbia-clad arses off live from Sylvan Hill…oh man.
In bedtime preparations, we were sharing how we are slightly concerned about Calum particularly not staying warm enough tonight. I started thinking a little prayer…not necessarily intending to pray, but it was the kind of prayer that comes out of the place of concern and realization that I can’t control everything…so I was asking the Lord for a little peace (for me) and extra warmth (for my little buddy.)
Then as the news was on in the background they did a little ‘feature’ on how all the overnight shelters around Portland had to open up at 11am this morning because of how many homeless people are in the area and in such need for covering. I don’t know. This isn’t a blog post to make anyone feel guilty, or me to feel better as if I am so “in tune” with other people’s needs…because really, I’m not. We enjoyed our day, and I am glad for that. I spent time taking pictures and eating yummy soup and pretty much oblivious to anything outside of my own comforts.
I think I am just processing how the news team wants our snow day pictures submitted and wants to remind all of us what to do in case of power outtages (especially how to get their news updates on our cell phones!)…and… I’m just wrestling with navigating through thankfulness while having a little stirring to be aware and listening for needs because I’m comfortable but I don’t want to be ignorant-comfortable.
Would I feel better if Botoxed Tracy Barry made a point to ask all of us tucked into our houses watching the news to remember to donate to the food banks or the shelters who will be facing overload this week as we face Arctic Blast? I think I would like it if they did. I need that type of in-my-face reminder that sometimes my content days are somebody else’s difficult days. That’s how it (life) all works, and I know it. (Man, I’m sure I sound like a downer.)
I am thankful, deeply thankful, contentedly thankful, humbly thankful for the provisions for my family and for the great day that we had together. I am thankful because it seems like lately “great days” are few and very far between. I am thankful that our power is on and that we have layers of clothes at our disposal. I am thankful for the extended weekend and canceled meetings. I’m thankful for a coffeepot and full cupboards. I’m thankful that for our family, a snow day was a provision of time together, new memories and space to slow down and snuggle.
1 comment December 15, 2008
